Pucker up, buttercup

As New Year’s Eve revellers continue to nurse their three-day hangovers, I figure the most pressing Tuesday topic is what I hope you were all doing at the stroke of midnight two days ago: snogging. Smooching. Swapping spit, sucking face, lockin' lips, mouth-to-mouth, making out, muzzling, nuzzling or necking. Is there still power in the old pash? You betcha.
Actually, if you're lucky enough to be getting one planted on you regularly – those heart-racing, knee-trembling tonsil-ticklers that make you think you've died and gone to heaven – you’ll agree that kissing totally rawks.Unfortunately, reality chick got nary a peck on Sunday night, although not for lack of trying (Daniel Craig-lookalike, it's your loss buddy). To my anonymous reader, I geddit. For the past four NYE's, I locked lips with my ex. Who wasn't my ex at the time, of course - give me some credit. But after pashing the same person year in, year out, I must say without reservation that there is nothing quite like a down'n'dirty, up-against-a-wall-hands-on-your-ass-first-time snog with someone new.
What are you doing wrong anonymous? I can’t say for sure, but allow me to speculate: if you were pecking your gal pals at midnight you are either a) too shy to eyeball the guy you'd like to swap spit with; b) at a party where any would-be kissing targets have been hit with the ugly stick; c) unable to close the deal due to unforseen circumstances (like a friend yanking them out the door) or d) just a really crap kisser. If you suspect it's d), never fear; I have prepared an eight-point plan on good kissing etiquette for you and anyone who needs to brush up on their technique. If anyone knows the data programmer I snogged a few weeks back, feel free to forward this on.

1. Drool’n’slobber Moist is OK. Being drowned in the other person’s saliva is not.
2. Scaly chops Sunburn, windburn and an overall lack of lipcare could mean your kissing partner exits the experience bleeding. Two words, people: lip balm.
3. Big mouth Kissing with a wide-open mouth can create a vacuum; lips can't merge, and tongues flail about aimlessly. Think door ajar, rather than wind-tunnel.
4. Eaten alive Trying to touch your partner’s tonsils with your tongue is a definite no-no. And while some people love gentle nibbles, it’s only polite to check first.
5. Too much tongue action Fast, frenetic swirling, darting or up-and-down motions, or all three at once, can be a tad distracting.
6. Lip service Firm yet pliable lips are your best kissing asset. If you’re scratching your head right now and muttering, ‘So kissing is about lips, rather than tongues?’ refer back to point 5, Too much tongue action.
7. Mouth-to-mouth Avoid puffing in your partner’s mouth during a kiss, even if it turns you on. Revival techniques are best left to ambulance officers.
8. 5 o’clock shadow Beards are fine. Clean-cut is a dream. It’s that in-between stage that hurts, say 66% of women who are, apparently, adverse to stubble.

Sooooo. Who'd you pash on Sunday night and how the heck was it? Don't think you can skulk away if you lucked out on New Year's Eve, either - I want details on the best/worst kiss you've ever had the pleasure/misfortune to get. What can I say: this week, it's all about living vicariously through everyone else.
PS. See you Saturday - reality chick's on holidays 'til then!