What women want... from men

Let me soften the blow for any blokes reading by first saying, I love men. As a gender, you rock. You’re fun, handy with a spanner, there’s no one we’d rather ride the hobby horse with and you’re also the sole topic of conversation among women who’d love nothing more than to understand you. And after some extensive research (OK, OK, a liquid dinner with a gaggle of singletons) I'm acting as messenger on what women out there believe men should take on board. Don't shoot me, but here goes...

1. Telling whoppers to get into our pants is beneath you. That includes the heartfelt song and dance about how it’s not a one-night stand, how much you want to see her again, how she must keep Sunday night free for the movies IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF SEEING, TALKING TO OR THINKING ABOUT HER EVER AGAIN. Trust me, even if you’re a catch, most reality chicks will be able to cope, so don’t try and baffle your date with BS if that’s all it is. A simple, ‘Thanks for a great night’ will suffice.

2. Thirty-something women have a biological clock. Deal with it. That means many are possibly thinking about babies because, yoo-hoo! Forty’s pretty much a gal’s cut-off point. We’re not sizing you up immediately for the job but if the relationship's going well, we can’t deny the thought doesn’t occur to us, so please stop acting so freaked out. Yes, we all know you can father kids until you’re 80, but do you really want to be a spindly old codger pushing a Zimmer frame after Johnny Junior? No, we thought not.

3. Playing straight when you’re gay just wastes everyone’s time. Come out of the closet, stop dating girls and pretending that your five-year relationship with Max from Paddington was just a phase. How dumb do you think we are, seriously?

4. Ditto pretending to be single when you’re not. If you’re in a relationship, BE IN IT. If it’s bad, go to counselling, taaaalk about it or break up. But please don’t text, phone or email us when you’re taken and have pretty much nothing to offer but bad sex and a few wilted zinnias. We have sex toys that promise more. And karma can be a real bee-yatch.

5. Washing coffee cups = more action. And if you extend your cup washing skills to dirty pots and throw in a little vacuuming while you’re at it, I guarantee you’ll get more sex. And not just in the bedroom either. Nothing like a freshly vacuumed bear skin rug for bringing out a girl’s inner animal.

I'm bracing myself for lessons men would like us to learn... or more lessons from more women... or even just a comment or two would be fine, on this sleepy Tuesday morning...