Holiday. Celebrate.

Romantic holidays. Nothing like 'em... especially when you take off on that first loved-up lust-fest as a couple. Skiing in Japan, sailing in Fiji, sharing a merlot in Paris. Or in my experience - food poisoning in Greece, a ripping off in Rome and a broken leg in Aspen. I’m sure there are couple vacations that go without a hitch, but it’s been my experience that they end up in disaster, especially the first time you go away together. Let me share some of my favourite holiday tales from around the globe...

~ A reality chick I know planned a camping trip to Fraser Island with her brand new beau, only to discover that rabid dingoes wanted a piece of them, as well as squadrons of mosquitoes. The hot outdoor sex she was hoping for? Didn’t happen. They were both far too smelly from not showering to get down and er, dirty in the tent.

~ A gal pal took off on a ski trip to New Zealand with her man of six months, hoping for plenty of après ski action. All she got was a case of thrush due to her tight, synthetic ski pants. Oh, and her boyfriend picked up case of it too. Ouch.

~ Another friend went on honeymoon to Surfer’s Paradise, hoping for the sun, sand and romance. On her first day she lay out in a teeny weenie bikini and sustained third degree burns. Let’s just say the only lubricant she needed that trip was aloe vera gel!

~ A guy I know spent his holiday in Central American holding back his girlfriend’s hair – she was struck down for nearly a week with a bad case of Montezumas Revenge. Then it rained for another solid week and he got bitten by a jellyfish.

Tell me – what’s your worst couple holiday?!

Blame it on my hormones, your honour

I was lunching the other day with a friend who I’ll call Dave, because that’s his name. I love Dave, partly because he has no qualms about giving up juicy male dating secrets. Secrets I can then pass onto the sisterhood.
Anyway, we got to talking and Dave revealed how clued-up dudes ‘clean the pipes’ before heading out on a date – and he wasn’t talking about eradicating ear wax. No, Dave was referring to how guys should indulge in a little pre-date solo sex – a la There’s Something About Mary – in order to, in his words, ‘think more like a girl’.
"Orgasm," explained Dave, "gets those lovey-dovey hormones busting in a guy’s brain, so he’s more able to relate to a girl on her level instead of just thinking up ways to get into her pants."
Dave officially had my attention, because I’ve been thinking quite a bit about hormones and how they affect our brain during a date. Take kissing, for instance. The oxytocin cocktail that kicks in during a pash doesn’t just send you weak at the knees – it makes you waaaaaay more inclined to make decisions exclusive to the Hormone Highway. Like ripping your clothes off and indulging in the four-legged frolic, simply because you’re unable to kiss and pant a half-arsed protest along the lines of: "OhmigodIthinkIshouldputmybraonandgohomerightnow".
Chances are whomever you’re kissing won’t actually hear, understand or comply with your request anyway (if a guy’s managed to get your bra off, he’s not going to go to the hassle of trying to put it back on, right?) so that’s that.
But if men can choke the chicken, what can women do if they find themselves unwittingly steered down the Hormone Highway to Boff Your Brains Out Town – when their destination was actually Get To Know Him Betterville? Will giving in to the hand police prior to a date guarantee a detour for reality chicks, too? Is it about learning when to gracefully take your leave - like, uh, before your brain turns to mush? Or is it about giving up kissing altogether? I’m thinking it might be time for a lengthy, scientific Reality Chick Experiment on the subject. Oh, the things I do for you people.

The leg press

Believe it or not, I once went to a flirting seminar. Yep – you heard right. No sniggering please…even a superhero has to brush up on her seduction skills every now and then. I didn’t pick up much in the way of flirting tips. I vaugely remember a very perky American woman was saying something about hair tossing and eye-contact before I hit the buffet table and then skedaddled. However, over the years in the dating trenches I’ve developed a few tried and tested ways of pulling a mate into my super-lair. In the spirit of sharing, I thought I would give up a few of my no-fail tricks for snaring a spunk [or spunkette].

Leg press: This ‘I’m interested in you’ move is so crafty it deserves a whole blog. Basically you wedge yourself next to the one you desire at a table, bar or couch. Then you ever...so...slightly...leeeaaannnn your knee into theirs. If they press back, then you know you’re onto a winner. If they politely shuffle down or move their knee, it’s ovah. Sorry.

Give 'em stick: I hate pool and am completely crap at it, but by buddying up with your desired one at the pool table, you can score big. Maybe it’s the sharing of the long cue, the balls, the holes... it’s all very sexual and often leads to a dirty snog in the corner of the pub. Reeooow.

Get the girls out: It’s this simple. Push those puppies together with one of those padded bras that feel like they should only be worn by A-cup Dolly-reading teenagers and wear the lowest cut top in your wardrobe. Then simply put yourself in his eyeline every opportunity you can find. Dropping an ice cube into the chasm and fishing it out with your fingers is another sure-fire fish hook.

Anything you can do, I can do too... While the other girls are hanging by the sidelines in their Jimmy Choos, the best way to snag a boy is to get involved in their activity. Kick the soccer ball, get out there in the surf, ride the mountain bike. Guys just love it when a gal isn’t afraid of breaking her nails. And you’ll have something to talk about too.

Got any tactics of your own to share?

TV love...I want what they’re having

You know your views are becoming serious warped when you start coveting the relationships of TV couples... but that’s where I’m at this week.
Call me weird, but I’ve always loved the zing between Charmed's resident married couple, Piper and Leo. OK, he’s a White Lighter with duties up in the sky; she’s a witch and constantly under demonic threat, but the good times look pretty damn good to me.
I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship (especially when you don’t have access to toothpaste, make-up or matching lingerie) but Kate and Sawyer seem to make it work on Lost. Even when they’re stuck in a cage together.
I also can’t help envying the craziness between Gaby and Carlos on Desperate Housewives – you just know these two love each other underneath all the insults and offshore drilling. And let’s not forget Izzy and Denny on Grey’s Anatomy. His heart condition meant no hot dates to speak of, but sparks still flew between these two – before, of course, he karked it and she worshipped the porcelain in her prom dress.
TV couples I don’t envy? Carrie and Big. I know, I know. I can hear SATC fans screaming and bashing their computer screens in anguish. But I just didn’t get their thing. Carrie and Aiden, sure. But I’m biased: Aiden had chunky man hands and liked to build things, which kinda does it for me. OK, totally does it for me.
My all-time favourite TV couple? Medium’s Alison and Joe. They’re ga-ga for each other. They have the cutest kids. They work in interesting jobs - and they manage to get on despite having radically opposing views about science and the supernatural. They drink beer late at night and snog on the couch. He even wakes to ask if she’s OK whenever she’s had her latest nightmare about the local murderer / rapist / paedophile. Best of all, Allison never needs to ask what Joe's thinking – she can simply use her psychic powers to sort it out. Perfect.
On that note, who’s your favourite TV couple and why?

Dirty talk

There are times in relationship when we’re called upon to go outside out comfort zone. For some people that’s dressing up, getting into an awkward position or being asked to lick wasabi from a naked body part. For me, it’s dirty talk that leaves me squirming. Yep. The mere thought of filthy sweet nothings being whispered into my ear just makes me want to giggle, laugh, guffaw. Just plain lose it. And that’s not the reaction most guys are looking for when they reveal their hottest desires. Are they? I’m sure lots of you out there find it a turn on to hear all those naughty things in the throes of passion, but I struggle to deliver a good sentence, without sounding like I’m on a bad sex line. "Um, yeah, I like your big, hard ... er, do it to me, tiger... grrr..."
I’m not alone here. Miranda, my favourite gal from Sex in the City, also struggled to deliver the 'durty tawk'. But somehow she got over her shyness and just went for it. She was so good at it, in the end, that the guy she was seeing dumped her for one particularly filthy one-liner.
I’d love to have lessons in the art of lurve linguistics, but in the meantime I’ll continue to be more of a sympathetic listener than a full blown orator.
So, tell me: Is dirty talk a turn-on or a turn-off? How do you do it and not laugh out loud?

Make mine a man smoothie

A dear but sadly London-based friend of mine was recently telling me about the many lovers she’s juggling and how she couldn’t decide between them because each gave her something she just couldn’t bear to give up. She said, ‘You know what RC? I just wish I could put them all in a blender and whip myself up the perfect man smoothie.’
At the time, I laughed. A lot. In fact it’s fair to say we both cackled long and hard at the thought that you could clone the perfect bloke using just a blender. But then I got to thinking. How much would it rawwwwk if we really could create man smoothies for ourselves? Throw in a decent slurp of Mark because he’s got a bod that makes us weak at the knees. Mix it up with David because we like his sexy voice. A dash of Peter for his scintillating conversation; a pinch of Carl for his bedroom stamina; a spoonful of Jason for his chunky man hands and Steve for his ability to make us laugh… oh, I could go on for hours here, but I’m sure you get the idea.
It’s a little bit Stepford Wives, in a gender-swapage kinda way, but seeing I’m happy to butcher the English language I figure why not give futurists something to work on that’s really going to benefit reality chicks around the globe? Forget talking fridges and lights that respond to clapping; all we need is test tubes for DNA collection and some kind of machine that’ll spit out the perfect bloke. (Excuse me while I go pitch my idea to so-called trend oracle Faith Popcorn.)
While we wait for the futuristic blender to be invented, your homework is to dish the dirt on what you'd put in your guy or gal smoothie, given half a chance. C'mon, those exes had SOME good qualities, surely.

You don’t bring me flowers anymore...

Sometimes, in long term relationships, romance tends to take a back seat to other things. Like paying the electricity bill, feeding a screaming baby, going grocery shopping and doing the weekly washing. Life can be so busy and tiring that stopping and making time to sweep your partner off their feet is bottom of the list.
It’s really disheartening not to have some form of romance in your life ... but it doesn’t have to mean rose petals arranged in a heart shape, champers or sexy lingerie. This week, I wanted to celebrate small gestures that make the whole coupledom thing worthwhile - things that say, ‘I really dig you’ without having to hire a skywriter.
Here’s a few of my favourite examples:
~ A friend’s boyfriend took their three-month-old baby out for a Saturday morning walk and let Mum sleep in. He brought all the ingredients for a fry up breakfast and cooked it when he got home.
~ An RC chick brought some scented massage oil and gave her boy a foot massage – and she didn’t even ask him to return the favour.
~ A couple I know send each other pictures of cute animals (pandas, polar bears and the like), just so they can go ‘ahhhh,’ at the computer at work.
~ One lovely boy drove for 45 minutes and turned up unexpectedly at a friend’s door late one week night, with a block of chocolate. Just so they could talk in person.
~ Another gal pal cooked her partner’s favourite meal, and a DVD of a movie he wanted to see.
~ A boy I know made up a ‘mixed CD’ of tunes he thought his lady would like.
*** Tell me – how important is romance in a relationship? What’s the most romantic thing you’ve done or had done to you?

How to turn the worm

I’m often asked how to make men behave better. Call when they say they will, propose when you’re ready for it, stop going on all night benders with the boys. These are guys we love but who infuriate us, guys who are good 60 percent of the time, and tear-your-hair-out frustrating the other 40 percent. I’m not having a go at all men, I know many of you have the R.E.S.P.E.C.T thing down pat. I’m talking about the ones who need a big kick up the A.R.S.E.
When I’m dating a guy who’s got the potential to be a great boyfriend but at present is being a crap one, I like to use my Turn The Worm Strategy. It involves one simple premise: disappearing. Yes, I can hear the disapproving tut-tuts of reality chicks who abhor games. And I agree, to a point. But this isn’t a game – it’s a test. If it makes him appreciate you, you’ll know about it within a week or at the very most 10 days. If it drives him away, you know the rogue was wrong for you anyway. (I hope.)
I helped a pal employ the Turn The Worm tactic a few years back. Her guy was charming, but wayward: he thought booty-calling was acceptable, spent entire weekends either getting drunk or nursing a hangover, and let her put in the relationship leg-work. Despite his bad behaviour, she loved the cheeky sod and could see his potential. So we turned the worm.
She started by not returning his texts. Then when he called to see why, she let his calls go to voicemail. If he did catch her out by dialling from a private number, she was always ‘busy’ or ‘late’ for something and had to run, promising to ring him back later – but then ‘forgot’.
If he called her home, her flatmate acted vague but cagey as if she wasn’t sure where my friend was, or hadn’t seen her for a while. Granted, it was hard. She was in love and not answering and/or returning his calls killed her, but she was tough and before long, the dude was crying into his Coco-Pops and ringing on the hour, every hour, texting like a crazy man and even rocking up at her house with flowers and notes he shoved under the door. Once he experienced the fear of losing the most amazing woman he’d ever had the luck to meet, he shaped up - fast.
They are now married and he’s pretty close to being the perfect husband.
I heard about another reality chick whose muso boyfriend was giving her the runaround. She lost her phone and couldn’t call him for five days and by the time he got hold of her, he had broken out in a nervous rash, had left 17 messages on her phone and was banging her door down at midnight. Aww, who says boys can’t be taught to behave?
Turn The Worm works – if you’ve got the guts to try it. Or have you already? If so, spill the beans…