Attack of the clones

“After all the stress I had with Paul, I was thinking about the kind of guy I’d like to date next,” said a recently heartbroken friend of mine last week. “I’d like him to enjoy the things I do, think the same way I do, and even have the same habits. In fact, when it comes down to it I think I’m actually looking to date myself, in a male body.”
Dating your clone... hmmm, sounds appealing. In fact, it’s scarily like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry meets Jeannie, the girl who shares his initials and love of Cheerios and comics. “I know what I’ve been looking for all these years,” Jerry tells Kramer excitedly. “Myself! I’ve been waiting for me to come along! And now I’ve swept myself off my feet!” Naturally, in the same episode he realizes he can’t be with someone like himself, because he hates himself, and actually needs someone who’s the complete opposite of himself. Which begs the question: just how much do opposites attract?
I mean, there’s merit in being with someone who complements you by being neat while you’re messy, and a stellar cook while you’re famous for burning water. But fundamentally, I think you need three things in common for the best shot at creating something loving and long-term: a) values; b) life goals; c) a desire to know/socialise with your partner’s family and friends. Beyond that, you can be as downright different as you please. (I hope.)

*** OK, your turn... are you better off with someone who’s more like you? Or do you crave all the fire and passion of being with your complete opposite?

But they were so perfect together...

Was anyone else a little bit shocked when Antonia Kidman split this week with hubby Angus Hawley? She seemed to have the whole thing sewn up – great marriage, beautiful children and a rocking career. Then, suddenly, her hubby is in treatment for depression and they’re separating. Just like that – the whole thing collapsed like a house of cards. I’ll be sending Antonia a martini and the Reality Chick hotline number toot sweet, but it also brings me to the topic for today’s blog – surprise splits.
There’s been a heap of them over the years in celebrityville – Brad n’ Jen (they seemed so perfect together), Nick and Jessica (he wrote love songs about her for goodness sakes... LOVE SONGS), Katie Holmes and Chris Klein (aww, they were so ALL AMERICAN) Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid (seemed so solid until she fell for our Russ); Kate Hudson and her rocker hubby Chris (mis-matched, but cute all the same); Reese and Ryan (although hello, the signs were there, if we're honest). And the list goes on.
My question is – do you ever really know what’s going on behind the scenes for any couple? No matter how perfect it may seem from the outside – it can be a real mess on the home front. The opposite can also be true. A messy/bickering couple who wear their problems on their sleeves, can actually be really sweet and relatively harmonious behind closed doors. I guess the take-home lesson here kids, is you shouldn’t assume your friends have cookie cutter relationships just because they’re ticking the husband, kids, house boxes. We should also try to listen out for small signs that all is not well in perfectionland for our happily paired-off friends and family. They might be subtly trying to tell us something is wrong. I know that I was dropping hints right, left and centre before my last big break-up and I dearly wished that someone had thrown me a life-buoy and a bottle of vodka months before I actually made the break.
This week’s pop quiz: Have you ever been in a surprise break-up? Or seen a relationship unravel in front of your very eyes? Or if you just fancy sharing your favourite celeb split from the past year.... hop to it.

I wanna hold your haaaand...

I had a late-night phone call from a friend last week. She had just been out on a date with a guy she likelikes. They’d been to a movie, eaten dinner together and enjoyed a big pash in a bar. But she wasn’t convinced the night was a success. "He wouldn’t hold my HAND," she said, sounding baffled. "If a guy will kiss you in a bar, why won’t he hold your hand in the street?"
I wanted to help, but to be honest, I’m stumped on this one too. So I vox-popped some dudes for a male perspective. Could it be a cultural thing? Some said yes. "A lot of Brits I know aren’t into it, whereas many Europeans and North Americans seem to be more comfortable," says Michael.
Dave agrees. "Sometimes it is cultural – and some guys just aren’t comfortable with public affection. The tendency for women to over-analyse stuff like this is huge." Yeah, yeah, we know.
But Phil thinks it's strange not to hold a girl’s hand if he likes her. "Some guys are maybe scared of looking sissy – they need to get a life I guess," he suggests. Ain’t that the truth, Dr Phil.
Knowing where the relationship is headed helps, adds Chris. "It would be weird to hold a girl’s hand unless you have some clarity on the relationship first... ie, waaaaay past ‘first base’. But I imagine that’s a given."
For Michael, it’s dependant on how he feels about the girl – "The times I don’t hold a girl’s hand is when I’m either a) not into her enough or b) feel that it’s too early to be that affectionate" – and Kirk agrees.
"If a guy is into PDAs but won’t hold her hand, then yeah, he’s not that into her," he admits, "BUT there is always the possibility that the guy is into PDA and into the girl but still won’t hold hands and one reason may be that he’s in another relationship and doesn’t want to risk being spotted."
Well, that’s heart-warming – not. But what about if you’re in a relationship and you’re confused about your guy’s hand-holding habits or lack thereof? Maybe he’s just moody, Tobie suggests. "If I’m feeling tetchy I cannot stand to be touched let alone have a clammy hand attached to me."
Dad of three Ryan agrees. "I hate holding hands, particularly in public," he says. "It’s not that I don’t love my wife, it’s just that I need and like my space. Holding hands makes me feel claustrophobic."
Chris, also married, isn’t so sure. "I always hold my wife’s hand – always have. I would say that guys who aren’t holding a girl’s hand are either angry at them for something, or have a major ‘letting go’ problem. Guys who don’t hold hands are the same guys who can’t openly express their feelings ... that’s my humble opinion."
But it’s Tim who turns the tables on us, saying often it’s girls who aren’t keen. "I think guys (and maybe some girls) are conscious of turning other people’s stomachs," he muses. "But it’s a beautiful expression of love and it’s terrific when you see a couple who’ve been together 40 years still holding hands." Ahhhhhh.

~ What’s your take on putting your loved one’s paw in your own? Love it, hate it, don’t care either way? Tell Aunty Reality Chick.

Run! 5 men (or women) to avoid

Ever wished you had one of those at-a-glance guides to help you steer clear of people who make really dodgy partners? This list is by no means foolproof, but in RC’s experience, these types are baaad news and will only cause you to have an achey-breaky heart.

1. Addicts We’re not talking about the occasional binge here, this guy is a serious addict and needs his fix every day. And unless they sober up, they can never really be there for you. Their drug of choice – be it a bong or a beer - will always come first. They should be in re-hab, not a relationship. Move along.

2. Gamers Another kind of addict – but of the cyber variety. If they spend more than three hours a day slaying dragons in World of Warcraft or similar – they’re too distracted to really focus on your relationship. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

3. The attached Married? Engaged? Living with someone? Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Ugh. No matter how fun, sexy and string-free the affair seems to begin with, the guilt (there’s or yours) will come back to bite you in the bum. Also – do you really want to be second best? Don’t even go there sista.

4. Commitment phobes. Does he have a backpack permanently packed? Is he afraid of committing to lunch, let alone the next three months with you? If he breaks out in a cold sweat at the mere mention of marriage and kids then he’s not ready for a wonderful future with you. Next.

5. STILL haven’t got their shit together You know the type. He’s still sleeping under a Tonka Truck doona cover in a single bed at his parents place; playing in an indie rock band earning $50 a week and in his 8th year of an arts/film/writing degree. If he hasn’t ever held down a full time job, he’s unlikely to show up when you really need him. Not for you.

*** Do you agree with this list? What other types should be avoided at all costs?

Pensioner porn is out there... somewhere

Another Friday night, another one too many bottles of wine, and the conversation inevitably turns to those icky topics best avoided unless you're off your pickle. Like whether the dead watch us on the loo, what kind of people dress up as dogs on weekends and the truth about old wrinklies getting it on.
I know that last bit isn’t something you want to read about over your morning weeties but I drunkenly swore to pen my next blog post about it. Extensive research on the topic (ok, a half-hearted google search for ‘pensioner porn’) revealed that not only are elderly people still into sex, but they’re probably doing it more than younger people.
I mean think about it – they’re retired, their kids have left home, bowls and gardening has to get boring at some point. My poor friend Mel has spotted evidence of this first hand. She paled while recounting the time she walked in on her own grandparents. They were hard of hearing so obviously didn’t even notice when she clomped down the hallway to their room to ask where they kept the sugar. The fact that it was mid-morning and they were absorbed in the sixty-nine position at the time wasn’t lost on Mel, who is scarred to this day by the experience.
Look, I’m all for people keeping up a healthy sex life into their twilight years. I’m just glad I never spotted any shenanigans between my own grandparents, or worse, my own mum and dad. In fact, in all my thirtysomething years there's been no sign of anything untoward. Ever. Nary a squeaky bedspring. Zero muffled moans. Definitely no saucy underwear strewn haphazardly around the room. It’s impressive, that dedication to not grossing your children out, and I thank them for it.
That said, I'm a hopeless voyeur who loves nothing more than a horrific biddy bonking story. So if you're trying to block one out, tell me all about it...

Slippery little suckers

We've covered ‘I Loke you,’ on this blog, but now it’s time to move onto the real thing. I Love You [I feel these loaded words are important enough to deserve capitals].
Those three little words can be slippery little suckers. Tricky to execute and even tougher to predict how they will go down. Like a lead balloon is how my last attempt was received. Let me set the scene for ya. We’re lying in bed – post shag – spooning in what I thought was a blissful haze of mutual love and affection. We’d been going out for six months, so I took the initiative and whispered "I love you" in his ear. I expected he would turn around, pull me to his moist chest and say as if in romance novel, "I love you too!" But that’s not how it played out. Instead his body went rigid and there was a very long silence. Longer and more awkward than any I have experienced in my life. Then he sighed – deeply. Bitterly disappointed, I said I was expecting him to say something. Anything. Jeeze. Way to leave a girl hanging. To which he replied, "Yeah. Sorry, but those words just give me a cold chill." Hmmmmn. Now, any sane girl would have made a very hasty retreat from this emotional cripple right then and there. But instead I moved in with him. Not my best call. Two years later he still had trouble saying how he felt about me. In fact I could’ve counted the "I love You’s" on one hand. When I got well and truly sick of it, I dumped his emotionally unavailable arse.
When’s the right time to say I Love You? Should the guy say it first? Is it really that important? Please tell me stories that are more humiliating than mine – I beg of you!!!

Rules for the week

Hi readers. Sorry for my lack of communication yesterday - I could just imagine you all feverishly clicking, wondering if I had died in some freak superhero rescuing mission. I'm glad to say no, I am still alive, it's just that waaaaaay too many rescues were required yesterday. I gladly bopped a few cheaters, I served ice-cream to heartbreak victims, I tended to several cases of extreme pre-date paranoia. In short, I was too pooped to write any pearls of wisdom.
But due to the reader cases I've deal with this week (you know who you are), I have decided to pen a few rules we should all try to observe. Listen and learn people.

Rule 1. Anyone who implies that you actually look your age or even older should be immediately evicted from your life, even if he begs and pleads that he didn't mean it. (If there's no begging and pleading you could be dealing with a garden variety sociopath, back away slowly.)

Rule 2. If someone you've been dating suggests that he can 'maybe' see you on Saturday night, tell him you don't do maybe and that he should stick his maybe where the sun don't shine.

Rule 3. Give a wide berth to anyone who is on RSVP pretending they live here when they actually live in Leeds, UK. The man in question apparently jokes on email that his geographically challenged profile is 'wishful thinking' and that he's 'actually keen to get married asap'. Hello did someone say Immigration Visa?

Rule 4. Irishmen may be devastatingly cute and have lovely accents, but I'm becoming increasingly convinced that overall, they make really crap boyfriends.

Rule 5. Steer clear of men who make out they want a relationship, seduce you after several weeks, then announce that they can't be bothered driving you home and boot you out on the street with the offer to 'pay half' for a cab. He's a Bellevue Hill boy apparently. Nice.

Right, that's it from me. If you have a personal rule of your own, wish to comment on mine or even fancy picking a fight about my not-entirely-unfounded wariness of Irish males, bring it on.

I’ll have a quickie thanks…

A 30-something gal I know recently met a British fellow on holidays in Australia. They had three blissfully days snogging, drinking and shagging, then he popped off back to England to get on with his real life. We thought the case was closed, but the next thing we heard, she was packing her bags for a three week trip to Old Blighty. When she got back – she was engaged. Six weeks after she met him. Six weeks.
Now, that’s great news for singles who think they’re never going to get hitched. Take heart. If you get your skates on, you could actually be saying ‘I do' before the year is out. But, seriously, as excited as I am for my racing-to-the-alter-as-we-speak friend, do quickie marriages actually work? Once the chemical lust stuff has worn off, will you be left with some bloke you hardly know?
Personally, I would love to be so sure about a person after a few weeks that I could happily pledge the rest of my life to them. But, truthfully, I’d like to take a good look at their living habits first – do they leave the toilet seat up? Do they know how to use a washing machine? Do they think putting bread in a toaster is cooking? Hell, call me crazy, but I’d even like to meet a few of their friends and family before I’m whisked off for dress fittings and menu tastings.
On the other hand, maybe these fast vows are just as likely to succeed as the drawn-out, 10 year courtships that seems to be the Gen X norm. My aunt and uncle got hitched after a few weeks together and they’re still going strong – 35 years later. Still, there’s always a train-wreck to put you off...anyone remember the name of that bloke that Britney said I do to in Vegas? Does she I wonder?

Tell me: Would you do a quickie marriage? Do they work?

The Where-Are-We-Going Chat

Early days in a new relationship are tricky. You’re both on your best behaviour, pretending you don’t fart or pick your nose, you gaze at each other like you’re locked in some silly tractor beam and it’s nothing to spend an entire episode of House pashing on the couch.
Bliss, right? Not always. Chances are you’re also spending a fair amount of down time freaking out about where your fragile little love-fest is leading. In my last relationship, we never had The Chat, but I knew it was on the night we were in the kitchen cooking dinner together and both of us were fielding mobile calls – from people we’d been dating prior to meeting one another. There was a lot of muffled, "Uh, I’ve actually started seeing someone seriously so, uh, yeah..." which sounds awkward while you’re stirring risotto next to your new squeeze, but was actually kinda nice in a relationship-solidifying kinda way.
Almost-hitched Nina admits she knew early on – and remembers fondly the hints that were dropped on both sides. "It just evolved," she says.
Natasha's relationship beginnings were more like a runaway train. "We started seeing each other once a week then twice a week then from Thursday to Sunday then had all the silliness of carting clothes and stuff between our places, so after four months I simply moved in," she says.
For Kate, six months is the cut-off point for having The Chat - "but hopefully he'll instigate it" - and Kirsty agrees, saying if a partner can't hack the relationship barometer after dating that long it could be a case of commitment-phobia. "At six months you should know what each other’s intentions are," she warns. "Anything else is just jerking you around – it becomes especially important as you get older or you waste all those child bearing years on some tosser!"
But for newlywed Lisa, figuring out where she stood was a cinch. "Straight off, there was no messing around. He rang or texted when he said he would. Dating other people wasn’t an issue. It’s that old thing – we just knew. Maybe if you have to ask then you shouldn’t be asking," she says. "In fact, even when I was single I don’t think I ever asked because I knew what the answer would be – nowhere fast."
Hmmmmmm... I'll remember that next time I meet someone I might possibly want to maybe think about sort of dating exclusively. What's your M.O. on the where-are-we conundrum? I'd love to hear it.