Matrimony.com

Marriage is Forever at the Indian matchmaking site, bharatmatrimony.com. Or so the tagline says. Makes RSVP's Where More Australians Meet a little non-committal.
Over at this thriving matrimony website (dating is for wimps, people) business is booming. Ten million users, 750 employees and 27 offices around the world. It was started in 1997 by single IT dude Murugavel Janakiraman as a way of meeting more chicks. Incidentally, he hooked up with his soul mate, Deepa, on the site and the pair tied the knot in 1999. Nothing like practising what you preach, eh? Since then, the site has recorded the highest documented number of marriages online. Not bad – though it would probably struggle to beat adultmatch.com for the highest number of one-night stands. And there’s even bonus pre-marriage and marriage counseling if you’re having trouble making things work.
So what’s the difference between Bharamatrimony and other online dating sites? Well, on this site, parents (that’s right, those people you used to live with when you were small) frequently create the profiles for their offspring. This can be quite amusing at times. One optimistic mum described her son’s hobbies as 'crosswords, bookclubs, card games and the internet'. Hmm, whilst this may be true, I’m quite sure the gent in question would rather his mum had described his interests as 'snowboarding, car-racing and world travel'. Some of the parental units get quite specific about what they’re after for their child in terms of a partner. "I want an IT professional," Mrs Kahtoon says, "preferably someone based in London, or someone who has the opportunity to work overseas in the future."
Guess that rules out heart surgeons, astronauts and rocket scientists. You can check out more on Mrs Kahtoon here.
Having a surf on Bharatmatrimony.com makes me think – how good would my parents be at finding my soul mate online? Would they in fact have better judgement that I do when it comes to finding a life partner? Judging from some of my past relationships – perhaps they would.
Tell me: Would you ever let your Dad have a crack at your online profile? Are parents actually the best matchmakers around?

The pointless breakup

You’ve been dating someone for a few weeks. It’s casual. And then, he or she does something particularly dodgy and you realise this person is NQR (not quite right). It could be after you caught them kicking your cat when they thought you weren’t looking. Maybe they’ve suddenly morphed from normal person to creepy stalker. Or perhaps you've discovered, a la Kevin Costner, that they shagged your mother and your grandmother before attempting to date you. Whatever the niggle, it’s time to cut and run – but how? Do you sit them down and have the break-up chat, or take what many see as a cowardly move by letting the whole thing fizzle like a Berocca after a big night out?
A reality dude I know believes The Chat is crucial at any point in the dating game – if only to let people know where they stand. But others differ.
“Letting things fizzle may not be as clear cut, but it’s easier,” says Penny.
Kate agrees and insists few people would put their hand up for another kick-in-the-guts break-up. “If you’ve only been on a handful of dates, the fizzle’s kinder. I’d rather that than the totally irrelevant dumping I received on a first date last week. The guy turned to me and said, ‘You’re a great girl, but I just don’t see this going anywhere’. Who needs to hear that? What’s wrong with saying, ‘Thanks for tonight’ then pissing off and never seeing the person again?”
Another friend remembers a first date who announced that as they ‘had no chemistry’ he hoped they could still be friends. “Pompous ass,” she mutters. “I didn’t fancy him either, but it didn’t occur to him that the feeling might actually be mutual!”
Fizzle versus the pointless break-up – it’s a tricky one. Is the former really so cowardly, or more a tactic to help the other person save face while giving them the message gently? As for the pointless breakup, could that be a symptom of the no-end-in-sight dating world many of us are stuck in – a place where we become so cut and dried we’ve lost our sensitivity? What’s your M.O. – and on the other side of the fence, how do you prefer to be treated when something’s going nowhere?

7 signs your man is thinking of leaving

Although some people will up and leave a relationship without clear warning – when we look back after the smoke has cleared – they have nearly always left tell-tale calling cards. Here are my top seven ways to tell is your partner is thinking about moving on…
1. He/she isn’t interested in hanging with your family. They’re skipping your family barbeques, they’re a bit hazy on Christmas lunch. They don’t want to meet your Great Aunt Gretel.
2. He/she avoids making plans, period. They simply don’t want to sign on for anything even slightly long-term. Pinning them down on a holiday is impossible – they can’t even commit to a mini break next weekend.
3. He/she isn't a sharer. So you can forget purchasing anything bigger than a pizza as a couple - like a new couch or a home loan.
4. He/she is happy to give sex a miss. One hot rumpy-pumpy has dwindled down to a couple of rolls in the hay a month. They’re reluctant to cuddle up afterwards and stare into your eyes. They’d rather have a shower, thanks.
5. He/she is always out. You’re trying to make contact, but somehow you just don’t seem to see much of each other. They’re always out with friends after work, or busy on the weekends.
6. He/she suggests some time apart. Uh oh. This one is sometimes a bit hard to spot. Maybe they suggest going overseas without you – or taking a weekend just for themselves.
7. He/she stops talking. They go all quiet on most issues and don’t want to engage in long discussions about the state of your relationship.

The best way to deal with these signs? Grab the bull by the horns. Tell your partner you’re concerned about your relationship and he/she needs to tell you where things stand. Scary – but necessary. Have I missed any other warning signs? Do share.

Yes, I'm a one-woman freak show!

Some days I love singledom so damn much I positively gloat about all the freedoms and fun it offers me – full-time TV remote access, sleep-ins, five hour drunken lunches with gal pals and of course, dating inappropriate men I definitely can't take home to mama.
Then I have days when I feel like a total freak show - take this morning, for instance. Look, I’m used to family members banging on about missing boats and being left on shelves and why oh why didn’t I just marry that cute boy I dated in my 20s when I had the chance, but I sure as heck wasn’t expecting a dressing-down from my Bangladeshi tiler.
I’d just made him a hot chocolate and he took the opportunity to take a break and engage me in small talk about husbands and kids and why I didn’t have either. My favourite topic. Not.
“You’re not married yet? You really should get married,” he said, frowning and slurping his hot chocolate.
“Why’s that Mohammad?” I asked idly, reaching for my third chocolate biscuit and wondering if he was going to offer to make me his second wife. It wouldn’t be the first time. Hey, I’ve been to Morocco.
“You work too much,” he lectured. “You work, work, work. I watch you. If you don’t marry, if you don’t have kids, what’s it all for? What’s life about? Just you and you alone? Working for nothing. That's no life. You may as well kill yourself now if you don’t find a husband, get married and have a couple of kids. You have nothing to live for otherwise. You may as well be dead.”
Hmmm, I thought I had every spinster cliche down pat but this was a definite first: being told I should consider topping myself because of my single state.
Somewhat floored, I muttered half-heartedly about how hard it was to meet people and Mohammad softened and agreed with me, but it wasn’t with any great fervor – after all, he’d had an arranged marriage back home in Bangladesh, the jammy sod.

*** On that note, how about you? Do you cop it from family members about being single? And more to the point, do you have any good comeback lines that might work on a cheeky Bangladeshi tiler?

Can mates become 'mates'?

We’ve all crossed the line before. That imaginary line in the sand that takes you from being a potential lover, to a friend. Maybe someone else crossed that line for you. Suddenly that sorta cute dude you’re considering snogging looks different somehow. They start to look like nerdy Ross on Friends, rather than shaggable Joey. You simply can’t imagine why you ever wanted to have sex with them, when now you’re perfectly content to stop the action at a kiss on the cheek. We cross the friends line for a few reasons. One popular roadblock is that you’re house-mates. And everyone knows it simply doesn’t do to screw the crew. Or maybe you wait that bit too long to make your move and you find yourself sharing tubs of ice-cream on the couch instead of bodily fluids. Whatever the reason – my question is this. Can you recover from being put in the Friends Zone? Is it possible to make the Quantum leap from mate, to ‘mate’? It does happen. I’ve heard urban myths about lifelong friends suddenly winding up in bed like Harry and Sally in When Harry met Sally. It works in the movies, but does it really work in real life? Do friends who become lovers feel robbed of that giddy, getting-to-know-each-other stage? By now, you already know their best stories, their foibles and freak flags. But maybe that’s part of the charm. You’ve read the fine print and you still want to sign the deal.

Okay people, fess up. Have you screwed the crew? Mated a mate? And did it work?

First loves: they’re on the brain

It’s true, you know. Apparently, the first time you fall truly, madly, deeply in love with someone, the hormone cocktail goes a little nuts and kind of ‘engraves’ that person, or those memories, onto your brain. You can read all about it here. It gives me the shivers because I met up with my first love recently. He tracked me down on a dating website and we swapped details and went out for dinner. It had been 15 years since we’d seen one another and ringing his doorbell was surreal to say the least. I had a slight panic over the wrinkles I didn’t have years before; I’m sure he was freaking out on the other side of the door about his hair or wondering whether we’d have anything to say to one another.
As it happened, we did. I’d spent my twenties partying and travelling; he’d spent his getting married and having a child with the girl he’d dated after me (and was now divorcing). But those memories of the years we spent together were vivid; he still recalled the pink polka dot bikini I wore over the summer of 1990; I could’ve put money on what he’d order from the menu. We still laughed at the same things and as it turned out, loved all the same movies. We were different people to who we’d been at 16 and 17, but the spark was still there and to ignite it would've been easy. I could almost understand why women clap eyes on their high school sweetheart at a school reunion and promptly leave their husband of 20 years to rekindle the past.
But even diehard romantics have their limits and when the chips are down I’m all for moving forward. My once-an-ex- always-an-ex policy has been a steep learning curve but I’m glad I’ve got it – second-round break-ups generally suck way more than first ones, in my book.
How do you feel about your first love? Still lust after or wonder what he/she is doing? Or do you thank your lucky stars it ended when it did?

Date Deal Breakers

Recently, a Reality Bloke [RB] rang me up to tell me he’s had a date with a guy who looked like that actor from Lost who got killed off in season 1 [for those of you who follow the show, that’s ridiculously hot Boone, played by Ian Somerhalder]. "It was great," said RB, "but then we got drunk, and went home together and the next morning he left and I felt a little cheap. Haven’t heard from him since." What RB wanted to know was this: what was he doing wrong on these fledgling dates? Was it something he said? Just for him, I thought I would devote a blog to the things we really shouldn’t talk about on first date. In number order. Take notes people.
1. Anything below the belt. Periods, cramps, yeast infections, discharges, flatulence.
2. Your weight, fat thighs and Biggest Loser diet plans.
3. Previous bisexual affairs (unless you’re gay, of course).
4. Exes. Not even casually. Not at all.
5. Bitchy, catty comments. Even about celebrities.
6. Shoes or fashion (unless they’re into that sort of thing).
7. Your drug history. Just waaay too early for that.
8. How horny you are.
9. Money. How much you make. How much he/she makes. No. No. No.
10. How you can open a beer bottle with your teeth and still hold the university sculling competition (unless you’re talking about rowing).

Anything I’ve missed? What do you wish you didn’t talk about on a first date?

The one that got away

While at a wedding recently, I spotted a guy I’d party-pashed a year ago when I was rather down over the end of an affair. He was funny, kind, sexy, a great kisser, and, as luck would have it, quite keen to see me again. Unfortunately, it was to be chalked up as one of those things due to timing and heartbreak messing with my head.
So seeing him again at the wedding of our mutual friend, it wasn’t entirely unexpected to get a full-blown, bittersweet pang of the-one-that-got-awayness. Naturally, he was with his new girlfriend. Happy days.
He came over to say hi and the conversation went something like this:
Him: “Hi RC. Great to see you. You’re looking lovely tonight.”
Me: “Thanks T, you too. Love your tux.”
Him: [nostalgically] “Do you remember J’s crazy party? That was a great night.”
Me: “Hard to forget really, those cocktails were lethal!” [Translation: The pash on the couch wasn't bad either.]
Him: [teasingly]: “I hope you’ve thought of me fondly since then.”
Me: [high-pitched]: “Oh every day. Hahahahahahaha.”
Him: [seriously] “I’ve thought of you often and wondered how you were.”
Me: [panicked] “Oh good, great, terrific, yeah, ummm, your new girlfriend has fantastic hair.”
Him: [bemusedly] “Err, yes she does.”
Me: [hurriedly] “Well anyway lovely to see you again, ooh look dinner’s here fancy that, ummm have a great night, hope to see you on the dance floor later hahaha.”
Yep, I’m nothing if not classy when it comes to finishing awkwardly flirty and inappropriate conversations.
For the record, I did see him on the dance floor later. He spent every song dancing with his girlfriend, which I thought was lovely, if teeth-gnashingly frustrating. Sod it, I’ll just add him to the list of great men I missed out on, and hope to God I’m mentally sorted when the next awesome maybe-The-One dude comes along.
Look, I know I’m not alone in this whole one-that-got-away thang... whether yours was a high school crush, the uni mate you lusted after or the backpacker you kissed in the hostel in Rome and never saw again. Are they always going to be unfinished business? Or do we see them with rose-coloured glasses because they never got to leave the toilet seat up or forget our birthdays?

Secret lovers... have you got one?

Secret sex. We’ve all had it at one time or other. Charlotte on Sex and the City had hers with a rabbi (she didn’t even tell the girls) and the Noo Yawk quartet devoted an entire episode to secret liaisons.
You know how it goes. You meet someone – you don’t really fancy them. They’re a) funny looking; b) shallow and stupid; c) too young for you or d) all of the above. Whichever box you ticked, they’re certainly not a take-home-and-meet-your-folks prospect.
But there’s some undeniable sexual chemistry bubbling away between you. And so, despite their absence of serious partner qualities, you start shagging behind closed doors. And oooh, it’s good. You booty call them, they booty call you. It’s all just sweaty and physical. Like a spin class with orgasms.
You might not even feel the need to share this liaison with your friends. Hell, you might even be downright embarrassed to admit you’re bumping uglies with the guy/gal. You’ve got sex on tap, and you’re not revealing your source.
The problem with this scenario is when one or other of the secret sex party feels they want to come out of hiding. They want to be taken to dinner (and not the dark, local Thai place); they want to meet your friends, they’d quite like to know ‘where it’s going’ and what your intentions are. They might even demand to be called your boyfriend or girlfriend.
That’s when secret sex turns messy and you inevitably have to break a heart, or have yours broken. Tell me – is secret sex worth it? Have you ever had a secret lover?