He says, she says

Women will never understand men. And vice versa. Think about it: just like they don’t get our eyelash curlers or our pre-menstrual weeping at toilet paper ads with cute puppies, we’ll always be baffled by their weird little quirks. But I’m not about to do some bloke-bashing without letting the other team have their say, so RC regular Captain Canada has kindly offered his caveman logic. (Emphasis on caveman.)

REALITY CHICK SAYS... I don’t understand the Hand-Down-the-Pants Thing We get that there are things to rearrange down there, but lingering hands during TV is a bit much. Women would never stick their hand down their pants just to have a feel or check that ‘it’ was still there.

CAPTAIN CANADA SAYS: “Most male behaviour comes down to genetic programming. We do what we do because eons ago it earned us dinner or kept us from being dinner. Think cowboy, think samurai, think caveman… then think gleaming six-shooters, razor-sharp swords and sabre-tooth bashing clubs. He’s merely following his genetic code, ladies. Weapon near at hand, ready to defend your honour, or your life, in the blink of an eye.”

RC SAYS... I don’t understand the Where-Is-It-I-Can’t-Find-It Thing A no-brainer for anyone who’s ever lived with a bloke. He can’t find it – be it the saucepan he wants / bottle of wine / lunchbox etc. He huffs and puffs and finally, plaintively, asks you where it is. And you get up and find it in 2 seconds flat and 90 percent of the time it’s right in front of his face. Weird.

CC SAYS: “First off, I hardly think ‘in the back of the cupboard, under the wok, behind your maxis, or half-drunk beside your reading chair’ qualifies as ‘right in front of’ one’s face … but again, genetics. Men hunted, women harvested, men ran madly through the jungle chucking spears at things with no time to notice where they left their keys. Next time a pack of wildebeest rampage through the flat, you’ll appreciate that particular bit of man programming.”

RC SAYS ... I don’t understand the I-Don’t-Like-What-You’re-Wearing Thing Honesty is great, but not when it comes to what you’re wearing. And especially not if you’re wearing something NEW that you are madly in love with. Blokes who do this are asking for trouble.

CC SAYS: “And they got it. Back in the day blokes this dumb ended up in the belly of a big cat, or trampled by a herd of rampaging wildebeest.”

RC SAYS.... The Swearing-At-Paperwork Thing Dealing with banks, insurance companies, cable guys, ISPs, gas suppliers, phone and electricity companies can be more annoying than life itself. We get it. But having a tanty gets you a big fat nowhere, not to mention driving everyone around you completely demented.

CC SAYS: “It’s pure frustration that drives us to it. We can’t bash a piece of paper, help-desk person or cable guy to smithereens with a club and that gets us frothing mad … ok … maybe you can bash the cable-guy, there was that one time…”

Err, thanks for that Captain. We get it now. We think...