How do I spice up my dating sales pitch?

Hey RC. Having nursed my broken heart it’s now time to get back in the game - but rather than trawl bars and nightclubs I thought I might give the classifieds a whirl. But how do I sell myself without looking cheap? Funny Girl

That's today's million dollar question. And although I’ve done my time in the dating trenches I have not, as yet, tackled the classifieds. So, in the interests of research, I spent the past week penning my own ad. Unfortunately, I totally sucked at it. So I moved on to reading other people’s. What I gleaned is that boasting is bad form, especially if you drive a Ferrari or have a rack that rivals Pamela Anderson’s. Ditto the lingo. Even if you’re a DDF HWW with a GSOH and a penchant for B&D (Drug and Disease Free Hard Working Woman with a Good Sense of Humour and a love of Bondage and Discipline), spell it out or you’ll look like you’ve been trawling the personals for years. It’s just NAGL (Not a Good Look). I can tell you’re a smart chick, Funny Girl, but spell-check it anyhow. Not that yours would read anything like, ‘I rolly luv restrants and the cinemar’ but if just one slippery sucker of a typo gets through you know you’ll kick yourself into next week. And let’s face it, you’ll be too busy next week dating Mr Perfect from the Personals, right?

Love, reality chick

Is he ever going to propose?

I’m 34, really clucky and have been with my boy for six years. My trouble is, there’s no ring, no sign of a ring and only a deer-caught-in-headlights look whenever marriage is mentioned (family gatherings are hell). I leave wedding mags lying around and always ooh and ahh over jewellery shop windows, but he just won’t take the hint. What’s up with that? Susie M

Beats me. But after spending years with Mr We’ll-Get-Married-Someday-Maybe-When-I’m-Forty-Five, I can relate. I often think if we found a way to harness all the thought women put into figuring out why commitmentphobic blokes won’t propose, we’d solve the world’s energy crisis and drive cars powered on rhetorical questions rather than radically overpriced fuel. Yes, I’m just a big superhero hippy at heart.

Some say marriage isn’t everything and as devil’s advocate I have to ask: what’s the big deal? You’re living together, do you really need the ring? As reality chick, it kind of sounds like you sorta do – and that’s OK. I’m all for listening to your gut and if yours is saying, ‘Hello? I’m a catch, we’ve been together forever, why the heck hasn’t this dude taken me off the market yet?’ then it's time for Plan B. Sweets, if he’s still doing his startled-fawn impersonation at rello bashes, dragging his feet past Tiffanys and using your bridal mags to rest his beer on, something tells me he just ain’t interested in making it legal. Six years, Susie. SIX YEARS. It’s a mighty big pond out there and I think it’s high time you went fishing.
Love, reality chick