Questions you should never ask

Death by curly question. We've all been there. Compelled to ask, crushed by the reply: it's a brutal lesson not as easy to learn as you may expect - and can easily lead to bad feelings, possible untruths, denials and your evening exploding like a TV dinner you shoved in the microwave before taking the foil off. Let’s examine some types of questions you probably don’t want the answer to. Ever.
'Do you love me more than anyone else you’ve ever dated?' Smacks of desperation. Avoid at all costs.
'Do I look like a pregnant elephant in this dress?' If you believe so, text a friend a pic of yourself and ask for their honest opinion. Who wants to give someone you bump uglies with that kind of image – or pressure?
'Did you just fake your orgasm?' Definitely something a guy may be tempted to ask his girlfriend, but questions like these belong in the potentially traumatizing basket along with girl-to-guy queries like: ‘What would you change about my body if you could?’ As a rule of thumb: if you had fun, bathe in the post-coital glow and leave it at that.
'Do you think I look my age?' Ahh, my personal favourite. Imminent danger, but if you’re compelled to ask and he/she actually says ‘yes’, you have the right to dump immediately.
'Do you like my cooking?' I know a great girl who routinely burns water but decided to ask her hubby if he liked her cooking over his own. Naturally, the poor guy – who happens to be a stellar cook – was like a deer caught in headlights. I believe tears were shed and pots thrown, which just proves my point: ignorance is often bliss, in the kitchen or elsewhere.
Just to clarify, I’m not talking about curly questions you need to ask if you’re sizing someone up as a potential future partner/husband/wife/parent. At that point, awkward conversations are to be embraced with gusto as part of the general getting-to-know-you dating torture. Case in point: a friend asked her new boyfriend if he’d ever had a same sex experience with another man. He replied in the affirmative. She wasn’t happy and wished she’d never asked, but at least it gave her the option to cut and run.

*** Your turn: the curliest question you've asked, keep asking (against your better judgement) or have had asked of you... the best answer will win a brand spanking new DVD of 27 Dresses starring Katherine Heigel!

Major crush on my best friend

Dear Reality Chick, yes - I am this boring! I feel that I am in love with my best friend, who loves me too but not in the way I want. Age old story I know but here's the kicker: How do you get over someone who doesn't want you but you see every week socially? We do so much together, movies, dinners, drinks, going away, you name it...
I enjoy his company so much I just feel like I will lose him if I confess how I feel when I know he doesn't feel the same way. How do I protect myself when he gets a girlfriend? I hate how this sounds, and makes me feel, I don't do this relationship thing very well! Miss C

Dear Miss C, nothing bites more than a case of I'll-die-if-he-doesn't-realise-what-a-total-catch-I-am unrequitedness. Except maybe if he does realise it, and tries to hook you up with his mates instead. Which would be sucky. Bottom line: devoting your energy to a guy who only likes you as a buddy leaves you in a limbo fantasy land, which is comfy for a while but a waste of your precious time otherwise, not to mention rendering you oblivious to dudes who do double-takes over your mere existance (trust me, they're out there). How to get over him? You know and I know it's time to go cold turkey, at least for a while. Find someone else to see movies and not hold hands with. Denied of your fine company, he'll either do a total Hollywood-style turnaround and realise your awesomeness, or you'll stop caring and/or meet a dude deserving of your lust and love. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.

Love, reality chick

No big O during sex... what's going on?

Here's my embarrassing problem. I am 25 and have been sexually active since I was 19. I've never been able to come when I have had sex with a guy. I just thought maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But recently I have been having sex with this guy who really makes me feel really good – but for some reason, no matter how good it feels and how much it drives me crazy, I still can't come. Now I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. He really wants to make me come but everything we try isn't working. Is there something wrong with me? I don't know what else to think. Anon

Honey, there is NOTHING wrong with you. From your letter I assume the big O’s a cinch during solo sessions, so it’s just while riding the hobby horse, hmm? Uh-huh. Sounds like you’ve got yourself a keeper there, though; I do love a bloke who’ll go out of his way to sort you out in the sack. (Even if he’s left gnawing the doona and pawing feverishly through the Kama Sutra in hopes of finding something, anything, that’s gonna work).

I may not be a sex therapist, Anon, but lucky for you I’m a sponge when it comes to learning about the horizontal lambada. And because I love chucking statistics out there willy nilly, how’s this for a scary fact: only 30 percent of women COME DURING SEX.
I hope to God for your sake (and mine, because I do love solving people’s problems) that you’re one of them.
My take on your situation? It’s MENTAL. You’re thinking about it a little too much. That Big O is an elusive little sucker. The minute you make it the be-all-and-end-all of every sweaty, saucy romp in the hay, you can be damn sure it ain’t gonna happen. So my advice is, for the next two weeks: forget about hitting the high notes through sex alone. Do it for the fun of it. And if you don’t see stars during the act itself, simply strike a pose and finish yourself off while your boy watches. It’s a great way to bust any mental block you may have going about him seeing you in the throes of orgasmic meltdown. Or, try and trick your sub-conscious by committing to two weeks of heavy petting but no sex – by the time you give in, your body could be gagging for it so much it lets go all by itself. All together now: ahhhhhhhh.
Love, reality chick

How do I get the ex out of my system?

Heelllllllp! Just broke up with my ex and I want to get him out of my system once and for all. What’s the best way to do that? Newly single

Hey Newly Single. Everyone cleanses their system differently after a big break-up, but here’s some sure-fire ways to make yourself feel like you’re moving on after a break-up.

- Run, walk, swim, cycle, yoga, pilate, surf. In other words, get out there in the fresh air, exercise your guts out and just breathe life in again.
- Chuck out all his stuff. Put away those photos of you two together, box up his things, delete non-relevant emails and just clear him physically out of your living and work space.
- Gather up the girls (and guys) Your friends and family will really help you move on after a break-up. Tell them you need distractions and company. Don’t sit at home and wallow.
- Get a haircut, lose the muffin top, and reinvent your wardrobe. A great way to cleanse after a relationship ending is to feel great about yourself. Now’s the time to really shed that old baggage and look and feel amazing!
- When you feel ready, hit the town. Flirt, dance, date. Open up your eyes to new possibilities!
Love, reality chick

Dealing with the ex-files

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I really love him. He is my first serious r'ship. I’m 19 and he’s 20. He was really stupid enough to tell me and my mum all about his past relationships. And I mean everything about them - all the sexual details too! In total I’m his 12th girlfriend. I feel like I am just a number. I know everything about all of them and I hate that. Not all his relationships were serious, but one was. I can't deal with that. What should I do? Anon

Ah, yes. The ex files. Everyone has them and you can’t avoid them being opened up at some stage in any relationship. As icky as it is to hear about your boy being luvved up with someone else, we all have a history and it’s part of who we are now. The best thing to do is accept your boyfriend’s past relationships and move on with yours. There’s absolutely no good that comes from becoming a green-eyed monster and stressing out about girls who are long gone. Although, seriously, he could’ve spared you the sex details and waited for your Mum to leave the room!
Love, reality chick

Footwear, schmootwear

Confession: I’m living with Imelda Marcos. Well, the male version at any rate. And can I say just how embarrassing it is having a boyfriend with a better shoe collection than mine. I know it’s largely my fault – getting to your 30s without learning how to teeter properly in impossibly skinny stilettos is disgraceful, much like not knowing how to use a cocktail shaker or blag your way into a business class seat (ok, ok, I’m still learning that one).
But to come clean, I must admit that nothing matches the comfort of my massage thongs (aka flip-flops, before my international readers have a coronary) or my old-as-the-hills, white fur Chewbacca-style house boots, which are on my feet the second I walk through the front door. I know they sound abysmal but they’re surprisingly sexy teamed with a Bonds singlet and my Peter Alexander pajama pants.
But back to Mr Marcos. The shoe hit the fan the other day when he arrived home beaming. I’d seen that smile before, many times. My eyes widened in panic. And before I knew it, he whipped out two boxes from a large shopping bag and, with a flourish, opened the lids to reveal the pairs of brand spanking new shoes inside. Shoes that, to my untrained eye, appeared mighty similar to the rest of the footwear already languishing in his closet. Not that I said anything, of course; like a true enabler, I ‘Mmmm!’ed admiringly as he patted them like they were newborn puppies, paraded them proudly around the living room, then went to store them carefully on the pull-out shoe rack in the bedroom.
When he returned, he looked decidedly grim.
“I have some bad news,” he announced. “I have filled up my entire shoe rack. Any chance I can use yours?”
Oh the shame, of being a girl and having a half-full shoe rack – of nothing that even comes close to being described as snazzy! I think it’s time I paid a visit to Prada. (Right after K-Mart’s thong sale, of course.)

*** Your turn. Ever dated a guy/girl with a strange collection you didn’t understand? Tell all...

Greetings, dear readers. In lieu of a column, RC is answering your burning questions... keep 'em coming people!

Under the covers

I recently went on holiday with my new boyfriend and discovered we are completely mis-matched in the bookstore. He brought: Don’t Tell My Mum I Work on the Rigs (She Thinks I Play Piano in a Whorehouse), a boys' own yarn by Paul Carter about working in the oil industry. I brought: Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, a collection of short stories by Japanese author Haruki Murakami. Is this a big red flag? Are we doomed? Bookworm

Dear Bookworm. This is a conundrum many of us have faced in love. It also applies to music collections as well as taste in movies and soft furnishings. Sometimes, you simply will not be able to fathom his literary choices. Personally, I think it’s a bonus if the guy reads at all, although others believe what’s between the pages is a bookmark to their soul. This might just be a girl thing. It’s hard to imagine a guy throwing a girl out of bed for revealing she only reads Cosmo or loves the Da Vinci Code. In summation: As long as he’s not reading It’s Called a Break-up Because it’s Broken, you’re doing just fine. And, I’ve heard that oil rig book is a really good read.

Dating dead

Dear RC, lately when I’ve go out to dinner with my hubby, I find we have nothing to say at the table. We’ve exhausted all our conversation just living together…have we become the dating dead?! Jen

Ah, yes. We’ve all seen the dating dead. Those couples that sit opposite each other in restaurants not speaking, just silently eating their Pad Thai and avoiding eye contact. This can be a chronic condition, but many a solid couple will suffer the odd outbreak of Dear-God-I-have-absolutely-nothing-left–to-say-to-this-person-apart-from-pass-the-salt. Unless it’s happening on a regular basis, you can put down the phone to the divorce lawyers. It’s disconcerting, but perfectly normal to run out of conversation with someone you spend all day, every day with. The best remedy for this is to spend some quality time apart. Learn how to yodel, take a pastry making course or jump out of a plane. That should give you something to yak about the next time you’re out.

~ For more of my sage advice, or to ask a question yourself, just pop into ask reality chick. I'll be bringing you more Q&As in the coming weeks, so stay tuned!

Let's go outside

While watching the latest version of Lady Chatterly’s Lover the other day – and jotting down some creative notes about nudity and wildflower usage – I realised it was time I turned my superhero scrutiny onto a topic I haven’t really delved into much before: the intriguing, titillating and downright saucy notion of doing the wild thing in the actual wild.
Forget about alfresco dining; alfresco shagging is where it’s at. The wind in your hair, the sand down your undies...it’s nothing if not memorable. Especially if you’re caught in the act.
I mean, half the excitement is about possibly getting sprung by your next door neighbour, right? But someone actually stumbling on the pair of you in your birthday suits doing things that would frighten fish is another matter entirely, as I found during a little informal poll on the topic.
Take Cassie’s recollection: she never thought twice about celebrating her boyfriend’s football win on the pitch at sunset, except when they spotted a lone jogger doing laps of the oval. Kate’s naughtiest alfresco experience was boinking on the steps of a church; someone upstairs had to be perving.
A friend of a friend got sprung in the Lake District in England – it was all very rustic and risqué, until she looked up to see a farmer sitting on his tractor half a field away, chewing on a blade of grass and watching the goings-on with great interest.
Alan’s experience takes the cake though. He’ll never look at picnic tables in quite the same way again after he and his girlfriend gave in to their carnal urges in a not-so-deserted beach barbeque area.
“We were sun-baking in the buff and got a bit frisky so we...er used the picnic table. We finished up only to find a family, picnic baskets in hand, struck dumb before us before they scurried away, complete traumatised. I think we may have turned them off their lunch.”
Or future picnics, at any rate.

** Your turn… ever gotten jiggy with it in the great outdoors? Or, for that matter, been caught?

By the book…

Reality chick had to cover this little modern day dilemma eventually. Facebook.
Don’t pretend you don’t spend half your life on it updating your status to ‘eating cookies and cutting my toenails’, adding the ‘Send Care Bears’ application, posting up pictures of your latest holiday in order to make your 78 friends really jealous or changing your profile pic to a moody snap of a windswept beach.
What RC wants to weigh in on is when Facebook meets your love life. By that I mean that pesky little relationship status button on your profile. There are six options to choose from at the moment: Single, In a Relationship, Engaged, Married, It’s Complicated (oooh, is it?) and In An Open relationship (are you just you cheeky bugger...!?)
Problems abound with these limited options. Let me outline a few.
If you’re happily in a relationship, and you’ve ticked that box on Facebook, but your partner hasn’t, does that mean you’re more committed than they are? Or are they just more private than you? What about if you’re in a new relationship and you don’t want to jinx it, but you’re not really single anymore? Do you take down your single status and hope he/she doesn’t freak out that you’re getting serious too soon? What about if the guy you’re seeing chooses to click the It’s Complicated button? What about if you want to leave your relationship status blank, but your partner wants you to announce you two are an item and presses the In a relationship/engaged to/married to [insert name here] button?
Perhaps Facebook needs to spend less time on pesky new applications and instead put up a few more options to incorporate the gray areas in relationships status. Here’s a couple of options I've come up with:

• Sort of dating someone, but still looking ... are you available?
• Just met someone, so I don’t want to jinx it here, thanks
• Having loads of sex with inappropriate people
• Stalking my ex
• Dating a sex doll

Before I fly off, I’d like also to start an online petition banning the broken heart dinkus appearing when you change your status from in a relationship to single. There’s really no need for a net-working application to announce your heartbreak to the entire world.
So – this is your homework project people. Have you run into status issues with Facebook? How would you like to describe your relationship?

Just like a woman... not

Voyeuristic is my middle name, so hearing about other people’s weird sexual obsessions is something of a personal hobby. Couples who dress up as dogs on the weekend and go 'play' in the woods. Foot fetishes to rival Quentin Tarantino’s. But my hands-down favourite is definitely men who buy love dolls in lieu of conducting a real relationship.
The Real Doll phenomenon is alive and well in a film released this week, Lars and the Real Girl, in which sweet but socially awkward Lars (played by Ryan Gosling) announces to his brother and sister-in-law that he’s bringing his new girlfriend Bianca to dinner. She’s also a sex doll he ordered off the internet, but that’s an itty bitty detail Lars doesn’t seem to notice.
I’d notice if a male friend of mine rocked up at dinner with a human-sized, anatomically correct Barbie, but let's not joke; it could happen. Real dolls are on the rise in Japan – just ask engineer Ta-Bo, 45, whose $170,000 real doll collection is carefully arranged on his living room sofa. "A human girl can cheat on you or betray you sometimes but these dolls never do those things. They belong to me 100 percent," he says.
Er... right.
Turning to real dolls for companionship is, let's face it, slightly weird but OK by me, especially for those who can't have a so-called conventional relationship. After all, loneliness doesn’t discriminate. Turning to real dolls because you’ve had a bad experience or ten out in the dating trenches and have decided to shun the opposite sex for something which can’t talk back, reject your advances or order you to clean the loo... well, that’s just taking things a tad far in my book.

*** Do you agree? I know it’s positively compulsory for anyone who’s been through brutal heartbreak to spout bitterly about how they’re never dating again, but would you, could you? And are there women out there ordering male sex dolls in droves?