Am I being a snob about my new guy?

I've just started casually dating a guy who seems really sweet and interesting. He is into meditation, travelling, reading self help books, and I like the fact he is quiet and shy as previous partners have loved being the centre of attention which is tiresome. The problem is I find him rather uncultured. Whilst I am no walking dictionary, his grammar is appalling, he hadn't heard of sourdough bread, he drinks bourbon cans, likes going to the races, gambling, and reads Ralph magazine. Am I being a snob and too harsh? Sourdough Fan

Culture smulture... consider this quiet and sweet man a diamond in the rough who requires careful, long-term polishing to reach his glittering potential. I used to date a man who thought Bali was as far as he'd like to fly, ordered chocolate milkshakes while I sipped on pinot gris and didn't read at all, let alone self-help books. The only meditation he got was kipping in front of the footy. By comparison, your guy sounds positively enlightened. Besides, he may be wondering how he got involved with someone who drinks wine from a bottle rather than a more sizeable paper box; reads the SMH when the Tele is so much easier to handle and spends $20 on a chewy loaf of sour-somethingorother, rather than $2.99 for pre-sliced white!

Love, reality chick

Farty husband driving me bananas

My husband was Mr Politeness when we met, but now we're married he thinks it's OK to burp and fart in front of me whenever he feels the need. I would rather he didn't as I find it a massive turn-off... but he just doesn't get it and tells me I should feel free to let it all hang out myself. Yeah, right. All for Restraint

I don't know if I can help you with this one, Restraint; my boy and I are still at the embarrassing 'oops, terribly sorry' stage anytime either of us accidentally plays the backdoor trumpet. But I feel your pain. Maybe it's time to try beating him at his own game and seeing how much he likes it. My advice is cook up a big chickpea, onion, garlic and lentil soup, eat it all up, drink a party-sized bottle of coke then sit down to enjoy your Friday night with your hubby on the couch. Cock a leg and let one rip in his general direction, but don't apologise. Burp at will. Maybe follow it up with a little underpants-rearranging. Ten to one says he'll be rethinking his 'let it all hang out' policy in no time, promise.

Love, reality chick

A hairy moment

I've met a handsome, funny guy through a mutual friend. We are both in our early thirties and ready for a long term relationship - about time! Only snag is, we recently went to the beach and stripped down to our swimmers. We've yet to have sex, so I was shocked to discover my new man is covered in hair! I'm not just talking a small patch here and there. His neck, back, shoulders, chest, arms...everywhere is covered by a fuzzy black jungle. He looks like a yeti! Should I ask him to shave? Or wax? Or just get over it? Help! I'm not sure I'm attracted to him anymore. Laser Lover

It's lovely to run our fingers through manageable patch of chest grass, but nobody wants to get lost in an Amazonian jungle! Tell Jungle Boy he needs to start using a weed whacker if he wants to plant his seed in your neat flower patch, if you get my drift. You watch, he'll be waxing, shaving and plucking in no time if he thinks he might miss out on a little lovin' from his new lady...

Love, reality chick

I can't talk dirty without cracking up

I have a very embarrassing problem. Basically I’ve been seeing this guy for 7 months now. He’s wicked, we have a great time together, all’s great, I’m in love but he keeps trying to get me to talk dirty to him and I am crap at it. I don’t mind him doing it but I often laugh cos I don’t have a clue what to say back and this pisses him off, I'm sure he must be getting bored with my lame attempts. Help! Want to be Dirty, But...

Dear Not So Dirty Girl, how nice to hear from you! Glad you stumbled on the site. Dirty talk, hmm? Tricky. For many people, verbal seduction belongs in the not-for-me basket – and if that’s you, your guy should hear that straight up and respect it. But it sounds to me like you’d be sorted with a few vocab tips... and while I've never gone down the saucy chatroom route myself (Brownie's honour, I swear), logging on to one and eavesdropping on the likes of Nancy NoClothes, Ben Dover and Hank E Pankie swapping sweet nothings may give you some choice phrases to try out on your guy. If that idea bites, I also interviewed a sex line worker years ago, and she said as a rule of thumb male callers generally wanted to know the following: a) they have the BIGGEST package you’ve ever seen, b) you want their BIG, throbbing pocket rocket all the time and twice on Sundays and c) you want it in whatever way they want to give it to you whether that’s upside down, hanging over the bed, on the couch, on the floor, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar, and so on -  just ask Sarah Silverman and Matt Damon. Sure, sex can be scary and awkward, especially when you're trying new stuff, but if you're with a guy you love, stepping out of your comfort zone can really be worth it. So swallow your fears, talk about what kinds of things turn you both on - maybe after a few drinks (or over email, for the ultimate saucy icebreaker), then just give it a whirl - without laughing! I'm sure in no time you'll be the dirtiest-talking dudette this side of the moon, more than able to whip your boy into a hot, throbbing, panting pile of... well, you get the drift.

Love, reality chick

Why does he text instead of call?

Dear Reality Chick,  Why is it every guy I meet lately persists in continually and randomly texting me (rather than just calling me up on the phone and actually talking to me?!) Last week I went on a first date with a guy who seemed great. We got on really well, he kept touching my arm and complimenting me. We talked about how we both were at a stage where we were only up for something real, and weren't into dating as a sport. So when I got a friendly text from him two days later I responded and now it is ten days later and all I've got to show for it is a full in-box on my phone, yet he still hasn't suggested a definite second date. I don't get it! If a guy sends a friendly text, without doing the second date follow up should you respond or stand firm and wait to see if he's got the confidence and likes you enough to actually ask you out? Confused Chrissie

Whew. It’s a common question Chrissie, and given the guy’s positive signals I’d be ready to bop him one for resorting to what I consider a shifty and super-lazy form of communicating, particularly in the early hook-up stages. Texting’s fab on many levels, allowing us to contact loved ones regardless of whether they’re stuck in traffic or hiking up Mount Kilimanjaru. But the downer on the dating beat are dudes – and women for that matter too – using it to hide or keep someone hanging. The first few texts after meeting someone can be about establishing a rapport, fine – but I reckon that’s also the time to gently steer the person towards the phone with a message like, ‘Hey, I have to turn my mobile off when I’m at work, but if you’re lucky you may be able to catch me on the land-line [insert number] before 6.30, which is when I head out for yoga’. Then maybe reply to every third text with again, a mention of how busy you’ve been and the best way to reach you (land-line again) at a specific time. After no calls – and ten days of texts – you can safely assume his translate to: ‘Hey babe, you’re not important enough for me to spare 5 minutes to phone and ask you out properly, but this meaningless text exchange is still a great boost to my ego. So thanks for allowing me to be a spineless tool who gets to feel like he’s dating, without actually having to make any real effort’. Harsh, I know, Chrissie, but if the guy isn’t motivated enough to pick up the phone and ask you for coffee (which could take all of two minutes), he doesn’t deserve a second of your sweet time.

Love, reality chick

Insight needed on my ex...

Dear Reality Chick, I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of over a year (6 weeks ago). We often fought about things that other people put in her head and everytime we had a awesome weekend or night out she seemed to start a fight or go in a different direction. She recently told me she is going to make life all about her and put herself first in every way. The following week I lose my job and I am upset [but] she puts herself first and goes out with her friend. The next weekend we're meant to see each other but it doesn't happen despite me calling, sending an email pouring my heart out, she tells me on the Monday she was feeling negative to what I was going through about losing my job and didn't want to be around me .... I have been there for her through bad times and this was the first time I really needed her .... but no. I have had no reaction to my email ... NOTHING!!! I tried to get my stuff back before going overseas but didn't happen, then my mum tried while I was away and they had words back and forth via email ... when I came back I found an email detailing what went on and how pissed off she was and how much it BOTHERED her that my mum tried to get my things back ... SHE REACTED TO THAT BUT NOT MY HEART? WHY? She also mentioned that she didnt arrange my things before I went because "SHE NEEDED TIME"? What does this mean? Lockstock

Dear Lovesick Lockstock,

I'm sorry you're suffering buddy (and for editing your email down), but from where I'm standing your exit from this toxic little union is what I refer to as A.L.E. - A Lucky Escape (and incidentally, something to drink lots of if you need to numb the pain). Seriously though, who wants a lover who announces she'll be putting herself first from now on (and doesn’t follow it up by pointing and laughing, ‘Gotcha!’)? That kind of warped mentality is barely acceptable if you’re single but in a relationship, it’s just crazy talk.

As for her reaction to you losing your job – when or if such a cataclysmic event takes place, it's a given that your partner should rock up immediately with takeaway in one hand, wine in the other, offer you a relaxing head massage, join you in prank-calling your boss and tell you everything will work out. Your girlfriend pissed it up on the town instead. What the...?

Lockstock, you sound like a decent guy prepared to work on a relationship. She sounds like a brat who sends mixed signals and keeps you hanging because she likes to call the shots. That’s why she didn’t react to your email or agree to a mature discussion. That’s also why she says she needs ‘time’ to give you your stuff back. It’s a classic come-here-go-away technique and trust me, NO ONE is worth such nutty mind-games. So go get your stuff back, tell her to call you when she grows up, and get your groove on with girls who appreciate you. I know a few who would so call me when the dust clears if you want me to hook you up.
Love, reality chick

Too hard to believe? Maybe...

I just started sleeping with a new man. He’s older than me. Like, 20 years older (in his 50s). Thing is, he always seems to have a hard-on, even after we've... you know. When I asked about it, he claimed it’s just a medical condition, and changed the subject. I know you’re not a doctor, but I just wondered, would you have any idea of what medical condition it might be? Mandy

You’re right, Mandy, I’m no doctor, but taking a wild stab in the dark (sorry, couldn't resist) I would hazard a guess that your man's medical condition is called VIAGRA. Have fun riding the hobby horse.

Love, reality chick

How can I stop attracting weirdos?

I need you to fix my faulty man magnet. Lately, I’ve had stalkers, married men, drug pigs and various other reprobates on my tail. I suspect it has something to do with my very blonde hair, which I recently toned down, but who knows? Any advice would be much appreciated. Hannah

I’ve heard about the dangers of peroxide, Hannah, but this is just ridiculous. Your faulty man magnet may have nothing to do with your hair and everything to do with your innate hotness. Or failing that, your social circle. Methinks it’s time to take stock. Join a book club. A church. Or an ashram. No, actually, scratch that… we don’t want to add zealous cult leader to the list. Perhaps you need to reboot by taking yourself off the market altogether for a while, so you can re-join the dating pool at a later stage with a clean slate (and hopefully less of a come-hither-bad-boyness about you). Or, you could just try being a brunette.

Love, reality chick

Am I ready for another relationship?

Quick question RC. Just how long should you wait after you boyfriend dumps you before you move onto the next one? Dumped

Look, there’s no hard and a fast rule for this one, Dumped. Many people believe you can’t get over the old one without getting under a new one. Flings are fun and you can try them out as soon as you feel emotionally stable and confident you can handle sleeping with someone new. I jumped into my first fling two months after my ex dumped me and it was a really positive step. However, my advice is to take a little time before starting something more serious. Somewhere between six and nine months after a long term relationship (say, 2 years and over) and you’ll be more than ready to meet Mr Next.
Love, reality chick