Should I talk babies with my new man?

Dear RC, I'm 38, desperate for a baby and have been looking into doing it on my own for quite some time. But, here's the snag - I've just met a great new guy. We're 3 months in, and my clock is still ticking. Should I tell him my desire to start a family sooner rather than later, or will that scare him off? Sue

Wow. Tough one. You’re at the business end of your 30s, staring down a turkey baster and wanting to make your own damn choice with regards to reproduction, rather than waiting on fate. Kudos for your courage lady. However, your new guy might be understandably startled if you start browsing the Dummies Guide to Baby Names and Finding the Perfect Sperm Donor 101. So, here’s the deal. Put a gag on your ticking clock, give it six months and really enjoy getting to know your new beau. Then, if it’s all going swimmingly and you think he’d make a wonderful baby daddy, ask him directly whether he’s up for starting a family – with you – anytime soon. If he’s reluctant to even discuss it, or doesn’t want kids, then maybe it’s time to go back to plan A. After all, nobody should miss out on having a kid waiting for someone else to make up their mind.

Love, reality chick

Too shy around hot guys - help!

Dear Reality Chick, Would you spare any practical piece of advice for someone in their thirties who is very very awkward around hot guys? If the setting is already familiar things are smoother, but in general the more I like a guy and the less I know him the more panicky I'll get (or when I manage not to panic, I blush!) On the other hand this has made me sweetly attack guys before I get too nervous, but this is not exactly the point... I'll wait eagerly for your advice, after all you promised to be cheaper than therapy :) Hugs. silentmew

Yup, therapy doesn’t come much cheaper than free, that’s for damn sure. But I no complain. Particularly when it means I get to have a sneaky chuckle at letters like yours. Can I just ask about your habit of ‘sweetly attacking’ guys? Does this mean you are scoring scads of hot sex while completely bypassing the small talk thing? Love your work girlfriend, but yes, perhaps not the best way to beat shyness. Let’s tackle that. I’m guessing a lot of your fears stem from what psychologists like to call ‘negative self-talk’ – and although I’m no expert, I reckon if your brain’s doing a loop-de-loop with lines like, ‘I’m going to say something lame / I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot blushing like this / why would he be interested in me anyway’ etc etc, you’re going to trigger more of the same anxiety. So, the first step is to ignore that voice in your head trying to sabotage you – and start asking the hunk in question some, well, questions. It’s a great low-pressure way to get the ball rolling, because all you have to do is sit there, look flirty and listen to him talk about himself. With any luck he’ll go on forever and you’ll have to cram a bar snack or ten into his mouth so you can get a word in. The other thing to do is PRACTICE. On everyone. Flirt with your barista. Ask your neighbour how his/her weekend was. Grit your teeth and do the rounds at parties. Essentially, fake it til you can carry on a conversation with just about anyone regardless of where they sit on the hot-o-meter. Relaxation or visualisation techniques also rock – I know it sounds all hippy-dippy, but really, visualising yourself as the social butterfly who always knows what to say could help you manifest into just that. At the very least, it’ll mean you get some small talk in before the hot sex, and hey, that’s gotta be a step up.

Love, reality chick

Do I have a future with this guy?

Dear Reality Chick, I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, he is a wonderful guy and I am still very much in love with him, we have fun together and he is super nice to me. However I worry that there is no future for the two of us, everyday I think to myself that he is not gonna wanna marry me, move out with me or any of that! I don't know why, maybe its because he never discusses things like that, or it might be because he never really showed me that he appreciates me! Like when we first started hanging out he never called me or asked me out. I always had to do it!!! Everything we have in our relationship I had to push for and can’t help but think he didn't want any of it!!! We often have arguments because he can’t show his love towards me sometimes! I worry that these fights are gonna break us up! Even though I love him I'm so scared of my future and I know he loves me but why is something missing??? I don't know what to do! Please help me... Mini

Oh boy. Mini, but your guy sounds like a classic ‘coaster’ – someone who let you put in the leg-work at the start, and now has a cushy set-up in which the relationship pretty much operates on his terms. You’ve got to cultivate some impressive avoidance tactics for this kind of crap to work long term, and although you say he’s super-nice and fun to be with, let’s examine all the ways he’s also doing your head in: 1) he won’t discuss your future; 2) he can’t show love and 3) he doesn’t bother to make you feel appreciated. Given those red flags, I’m as doubtful as you are that this guy is going to man up and stick a ring on your finger any time soon, much less agree to shack up with you and trawl the classifieds for potential love nests. Methinks it’s time for what I like to call The Scary Chat. Pick a quiet moment, tell him you need to talk, and be direct. Something like, “Babe, you know I love you. But we’ve been together a while now and I’ve noticed you’re hesitant to discuss our future. Am I right?” If he says he’s happy to, or something along those lines, ask him how he sees your relationship. Does he think about moving in together, or getting hitched down the track? Tough questions I know, but geez, it’s been two years. You’re entitled to your dreams and deserve to know where you stand. If he wriggles, looks uncomfortable, gets mad or does anything else but give you serious answers you can work with, the time for thumb-twiddling is over, Mini. It’ll be sad at first, but if something’s not quite right you can do without the years of mental angst involved in trying to make it work. (Trust me on that one.) My guess is that there’s someone out there who is on the same page as you – but you’re not going to find him while you’re faffing about with Mr Not Quite Right.

Love, reality chick

Panic stations

Dear Reality Chick, I'm meant to be going away to meet a guy I've known for a while; not very well, but still. It's a get-to-know you weekend, after I spent years rejecting his advances. I finally caved in and we went on a date when I was visiting his home town. Since then there's been texting and emails, he invited me to visit him, and so I booked a flight. As the date draws near, I'm freaking out. He takes a while to get back to me via text or email, and I'm starting to wonder whether it's all a bad idea. Am I just having a panic and cold feet about the whole thing? Maybe I should jump on the plane and have a solo getaway... Betty Boo

In matters of the heart, Betty, I’ve always felt that it’s a good idea you to listen to your gut, and it sounds like yours is screaming right now. There’s a reason you spent years dodging the affections of this suitor – are you just not that into him? That’s okay. Rolling out a solo beach towel and letting out a deep breath might be a better option than forcing a holiday with someone who doesn’t make you want to pluck every hair from your body, get a spray tan, buy 12 pairs of bikinis and book the honeymoon suite. Of course, if I was to plant my butt on the fence for a minute, there are odd occasions where Mr Wrong turns out to be so, so right, given a bit of time and attention. You don’t say how the date went when you visited – was it average, promising or amazing? That could make all the difference in how your get-to-know-you weekend turns out. If you felt sparks, they might just turn into fireworks over two days. Try not to pay too much attention to the technological foreplay. Delayed texts/emails make it tricky to assess what’s happening, whereas you build up anticipation with someone who’s always whizzing back a quick response. Have a long think about it before you cancel your plans. Sometimes, it worth giving someone a fair chance to win your heart. But if it were me, I’d probably be listening to your finely tuned women’s instinct and saying aloha ‘me time,’ and letting this fish off the hook.
Love, reality chick

Dream lover?

I’m 20 weeks pregnant and have been having unbelievably realistic sexy dreams, complete with real orgasms. Wet dreams I suppose? It's made me look forward to bedtime more and more! Seriously though this has never happened to me before. What gives? Am I a freak? Wet and wild

Most pregnant chicks I know complain of varicose veins, achy breaky backs and vomiting at the sight of raw meat/canned tuna/artichokes. But your niggly problem is orgasms and erotic night visions? Some girls get all the luck. In fact, you are not a freak. Increased sexual urges are quite common during pregnancy, especially after your love affair with the toilet bowl has ended in the second trimester. The medico lowdown is this: during pregnancy you are flooded with baby-making hormones which change sleep patterns and often induce very realistic dreams. Team this with an increased blood flow to the nether regions and your Zzzzz’s can quite easily become XXX’s. My advice – enjoy the ride, bumpalicious. Just don’t forget to wake up your partner and see if he/she is up for a bit of real life nookie too.
Love, reality chick

Should I reveal my saucy past?

Here's one for you. My boyfriend of six months keeps wanting to have the 'how many people we've slept with' conversation. I'm loathe to, because I'd basically rather stick pins in my eyes than sit with my lovely guy and reveal all the details of my slightly promiscuous sexual history. It's in the past and although I had a good time (haha) I'm just happy being with him now. But he won't let up. Should I just tell him and get it over with? He'll still love me, right? Barb

Barb, are you insane? Do not, under any circumstances (particularly alcoholic ones) commence The Sex Tally Conversation with your guy. If you really get cornered, you have my permission to halve or quarter your tally to something vaguely acceptable (like, under 5 people). I know, I know, it's never nice to tell your partner porkies, but the fall-out from having an honest discussion about your lurid past could be catastrophic, especially when dealing with A Partner Who Really Wants To Know. Guys shouldn't care - in fact, I'm sure there are plenty out there who prefer girls with experience - but that doesn't change the almighty sexual double-standard alive and kicking on today's dating scene. Revealing things that could affect your relationship - like anything relating to pregnancies or STDs - is essential, but with the rest, discretion is definitely the better part of valour. So zip it, sister.

Love, reality chick

Let's talk about sex. Or not

I have a problem with my best friend. I’m a girl, he’s a guy, and for years he’s been a great mate. However he gets a bit obsessed about things and I am starting to dread hanging out with him because he has a new girlfriend and always gives me too much information if you know what I mean. If he’s not telling me all the positions he shagged her in the night before, he’s asking me my opinion on nipple tweaking or how he can make his girlfriend do the things she obviously doesn’t want to do (and asking me if I’ve done them and what my thoughts are on X, Y and Z). I’ve told him I DON’T want to know these things or have these conversations but I can’t shut him up. A little help? Sick of Talking About Sex

Sure. Say, ‘Buddy, I’m starting to dread hanging out with you because I can’t stand having the same conversations about how many times you did it to Gloria last night. Any chance we can change the subject – permanently?’ If that doesn’t work, try my fail-safe method for getting anyone to put a sock in it: simply put your hands over your ears and sing, ‘La la la la la la’ really loudly every time he even looks like he’s about to launch into the same old discussion. It'll do the trick for sure.

Love, reality chick

Change of plans?

Isn’t this just typical? After years of dating unsuitable blokes, I threw caution to the wind and booked a flight to London with a view to relocating for a couple of years of OS working and travelling. I was due to leave in six weeks and had my bags packed when I met a gorgeous, funny, sexy, available new man who seems serious about me. Should I stay or should I go? Travel Girl

Egads! What a dilemma Travel Girl. On the one hand you don’t want to miss out on the trip of a lifetime and the chance to live and work overseas if this guy isn’t The One. But how on earth are you supposed to know if he’s pure gold or fool’s gold if you jettison the country without giving him/you guys a real chance. I guess it comes down to a simple choice of head vs. heart. The man or the moon? For some reason, I’ve gone all mushy and I think this one may in fact lie in the sweaty hands of FATE. If your heart says board the plane, then perhaps he will eventually follow. RC has heard of many a lovelorn guy or girl moving heaven and earth to get to the object of their desire. If he’s a keeper he’ll find a way to love mushy peas, warm beer and the tube. If your heart says stay, then he’s one damn lucky fellah and let’s hope he grabs hold of you tight and never let’s go. And vice versa. It’s up to you both to make it happen if you think this is a special connection. Be brave. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Love is a far rarer creature than a round the world ticket, lady, that’s all I’m saying…

Love, reality chick

Ex in his bed ... a red flag?

I have been dating this guy for a month and he just told me at lunch that his ex – who’s from out of town – visited him a few days ago. He told her he was dating me; she knew me from when THEY were dating, and hearing this news she got upset and ended up staying over and sleeping in his bed. He told me he felt very uncomfortable with this and it actually made him realise how much he really likes me. But I see his behaviour as a total red flag. Is it? Confused

Could be, but here’s the thing: few relationships start without a bump or two in the road - just look at Brad and Ange. OK, bad example. But really, those early days can be a minefield of exes, mixed feelings, commitment-phobia, sourdough bread ignorance... you name it. Don’t get me wrong, I agree he should’ve chucked his ex a blanket and pointed her to the couch, but what’s done is done. Big thumbs up to your guy for confessing – in my opinion, when boys start telling you all their dirty little secrets at the start of a relationship, they’re as good as saying, ‘I likeLIKE you and I want you to know me warts and all so nothing, I mean NOTHING, can derail this’. Plus, you’re dating, it’s been a month, the waters are murky. Maybe it’s a wake-up call to both of you that it’s time to make it official – or let it go.
Love, reality chick