Not loving his 'Ohhhh' face

I’ve just started sleeping with my boyfriend. I wish I could say it’s excellent all round, but the truth is I’m finding his ‘O’ face a bit freaky. I’ve watched guys’ faces during sex before, but his is so incredibly contorted, it’s totally creeping me out. Jess

Sheesh. To think I was hoping today would bring a question on solving world hunger. Okaaaay. Putting myself in your shoes... I would do... absolutely nothing. Zilch. Nada. Because if you think about it, telling your guy that his throes-of-passion face creeps you out – even if he looks like a demented monkey on crack – is a conversation that can’t end well. What’s sex like with him generally – do you love it? Do you look forward to it with glee, trying on all your saucy underwear in anticipation? If your answer is something like, ‘Weeeeell, yes, but the FACE...’ here’s some homework for the week. Try and see his O face as something sexy, something special and intimate between you (it’s not a face he’d show the postman, for instance). If you’re still obsessing over it in a week’s time, maybe you need to question your chemistry with this dude. After all, sex is all about crazy abandon and in the heat of the moment, you shouldn’t give two hoots about silly faces and/or ridiculous noises. Giddyup!

Love, reality chick

He wants babies... but we've just met!

I’m 33 and I’ve been seeing a great new guy, a 37-year-old banker, for six weeks. Last night he took me out to dinner and said he’d like to have kids, really soon. And if I wasn’t ready, he would have to move on. Yikes! This is a real role reversal for me. I’d love to start thinking about having a few rug rats – but I’ve only just met him. Am I right to feel freaked out?! Eggalicious

RC has been hearing of this phenomenon lately – men whose biological clocks are ticking time-bombs. They coo at pregnant bellies, feel clucky at the park and already have the name of their first born son picked out. These chaps are usually in their mid to late 30s and are settled in their work and home life. They’ve had sex-fuelled flings with Hooters waitresses, gone on that trip of a lifetime to Kathmandu and are starting to wonder just how many boy toys a man can buy. What they really want is a few kids to call their own and a pregnant belly to accessorise the woman of their dreams.

First of all, it’s okay to feel freaked out. This is the time you two should be working your way through the karma sutra, and occasionally coming up for air to drink French champagne and eat sushi from each other belly-buttons. You don’t want to have to contemplate childbirth and parenting classes, maternity undies and a total alcohol ban just yet! But, along with the freak out, you should also be very flattered. Don't assume it's about your possibly child-bearing hips - rather, your man is on the hunt for a baby mama and after six weeks, is so smitten with you, he's considering you his prime candidate. He's seeing you as the sort who could house and raise his off-spring for the long term. No small thing.

My advice. Tell him you want kids too, but you need some getting- to-know-you time. I’m guessing six months should be the minimum to know if you want to share a person’s DNA. Then remind him that a kid is for life, not just for Christmas. And while you’re ready to re-produce, you need some time to meet his family and friends and suss out whether his swimmers are worthy of your womb. Most of all, rejoice that you’ve found someone keen to start a family. But enjoy taking your time deciding if this guy is Dad material.

Love, reality chick

My fiance's temper is freaking me out

Hello, hoping you can help. I’m engaged, but I think I’m getting cold feet due to my fiance’s temper. It has become worse over the years (or he’s just less able to control it). He has extreme road rage towards other drivers whenever we’re in the car and even on the footpath he often makes it difficult for others to pass us. He simmers and sulks if I hang back to let others by. He has never hit me, but he has shoved me a few times, when I’ve pissed him off. If I try to reason with him (mainly over being rude to people) he just says he’s in the right. I love him, but I’m more and more scared of his unpredictability and I do feel like I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells. He has a chip on his shoulder about a lot of things but when he’s happy with his life, everything’s so good. Am I an idiot if I marry someone like this, or can people change? Anna

Sure, people change. Abusive, nasty bullies who believe they’re always right might find it harder to change than people who actually acknowledge they have a problem. Would you be an idiot for marrying someone like this? What do you think? Who the hell wants to be married to a guy who may end up punching your face in? Add kids, money worries and life’s other curve balls to the marital mix and something tells me that in time, he won’t be content with shoving you occasionally whenever you ‘piss him off’. Please, please, please Anna... listen to your gut. Call off the wedding. Clear your stuff out (preferably with a stocky male friend or two in attendance) and RUN (preferably to a swanky security-tight apartment). Your only response to any texts or emails pleading for your forgiveness should be a list of counsellors specialising in anger management.

Love, reality chick

~ Around 1 in 3 Australian women experience physical violence in their lifetime, and crime surveys show that a third of all assaults on women are carried out by their partners. For help, ring the National Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Helpline on 1800 200 526.

My boyfriend won't leave his man cave...

I just moved in with my boyfriend. It’s all good, apart from one little thing. After work, I’m always happy to see him and want to chat over a bottle of wine while we cook together. But I’m lucky to get a grunt before he grabs a beer and goes into the study to research stupid things on the internet. He comes out around dinnertime and is nice as pie to me, but by then I’m cranky at being ignored for nearly 2 hours. I asked other friends and they all seemed to know about this habit men have. But never having lived with him before I’m only noticing it now! Help. Carly

It IS a mystifying male habit, that’s for sure. But only a brave woman would try to get between a bloke and his man cave. As women, we naturally assume the ‘cave’ is yet another cheeky way for men to get out of helping with dinner/pets/kids – but many (probably male) experts believe this wind down time is not only desirable for dudes but downright compulsory. The cave comes in many guises: for some men, it’s simply time to decompress, whether that's going for a leisurely surf, or a solo beer or two on the way home. Others create a tangible cave in the house; perhaps in the study where they can mess around on the computer, in the garage where it's all about the power tool collection or in the basement where they can keep their man gear, memorabilia and ratty old bachelor furniture their partners would rather torch in a ceremonial bonfire than display around the house. Blokes at the extreme end of the scale often convert a room to a male-only 'mantuary' complete with bar fridge, big-screen TV and intercom. No joke, Brad Pitt’s man cave reportedly cost something like $200,000 and includes a vintage jukebox and ‘kegerator’ – a refrigerated beer keg. A REFRIGERATED BEER KEG, Carly. When Brad’s in there, Angelina probably just rolls her eyes and goes off to find another rugrat to adopt.

Yup, no matter how much it irks us, the man cave doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere soon. So my advice to you, Carly, would be to accept it as one of the little quirks of co-habiting. Look on the bright side: they’re usually much cheerier when they come out.
Love, reality chick

Two years in, still haven't met his kids...

I’m in my 40’s, divorced and met a new guy, also divorced, online two years ago and struck up a love match. I don’t have any kids, but he has three in their 20s from his previous marriage and has remained friends with his ex wife. They gather as a family regularly and even went on an interstate trip together. The problem is, I’ve never been introduced to his kids or his ex. I’ve asked, but he says he doesn’t want to complicate or rush things. Am I nuts to worry that he doesn’t value our relationship and still has feelings for his ex? Mandy

Two years? No meet and greet with the kids? No sweetie, you’re not certifiable, you’re perfectly sane. What is a little loco is your long term partner not wanting to share your fabulousness with his family. Yes, it’s messy; yes it could be awkward, but tough bosoms. He can’t have his triple choc chip brownie and scoff it too. Whether or not he has feelings with his ex is another matter altogether, but if he wants you to stick around and support him, he needs to include you in every part of his life – especially the ones that matter the most to him like his treasured offspring.

It’s not like you need to be invited to every family dinner, or go clubbing with his kids, right? But a little recognition - that’s essential. Without it, your relationship will never splutter out of the starting blocks.
Love, reality chick

Wife wears too much make-up

Why oh why do women feel the need to wear so much make-up? My wife used to be moderate about it but ever since she turned 40 it’s beyond extreme; she applies it before I even wake up half the time and even in BED I think she’s got it on. I think she’s gorgeous without it. Ted

Have you asked her why she's maxing out the Max Factor all of a sudden? Many women boldly and happily embrace aging in all its confrontational glory - damn you, sunspots, wrinkles and eye bags! - but there are those who reach a point where we'd rather hide under the bed than face the world without warpaint. We become besties with our concealer and search for ever more efficient ways to look younger and more gorgeous without resembling a drag queen. Even so, wearing slap to bed is a whole new ballgame. You seem to be in the camp of ignoring the situation (and hoping she’ll break up with her mascara wand in due course) but maybe a little positive reassurance from you might help. Done in the right way, of course. Hugs and compliments about what a hottie you think she is - particularly when you catch her in a make-up free moment - is key, but if she looks at you in horror, kind of like you just ate your own head, start laying it on thick. A line like, 'Baby, you’re beautiful without make-up, you know that don’t you?’ is a big fat hint that you'd fancy a make-up free day every once in a while. If that fails, start dragging her on fun anti-make-up activities such as snorkelling, surfing, mud-wrestling, etc. Or just hide her make-up case and cancel all her credit cards so she can't buy more.

Love, reality chick

In love with my gay best friend... help!

Reality chick, I am completely in love with my gay best friend. He's a guy, I'm a girl. No-one comes close to him, he's funny, sweet, handsome, smart and yes, loves cock. To make matters worse he is completely in love with his first gay love and likely to move to Sydney and leave me altogether. Get a life? Find someone new? Yep I've heard it ... but where does an overweight, apparently beautiful faced 35yo, funny girl go to do this exactly? Pixie Churchill

That's the trouble with gay men, they are so awesome - yet so unattainable. You're not alone in your gay crush Pix; I've had the lust in my loins dashed by many a bloke who bats for the other team. The worst was when I, as a young superhero-in-training working on a magazine, fell for a spunky fellow journo who flirted with me mercilously over email - until he realised I was totally clueless and ended up 'telling' me the truth about his sexual predilection by pulling out a gay magazine and pointing out all the male models in there that he quite fancied shagging. We laugh about it today, but oh, the shame.

I'm sorta guessing you haven't told your best mate how much you fancy ripping his clothes off. Probably a good idea. What I tell all my friends and readers who refuse to break the lust/love pattern with someone they KNOW they can't have (you know who you are, people), is that a little no-contact goes a long way. Any chance you can take a trip, get outta town, meet some new people (guys included)? Or failing that, pack your nights with fun new activities: cooking classes, language classes, twilight sailing, speed dating events, a part-time job pulling beers - anything, just so MORE of your spare time is spent meeting new people rather than obsessing over someone you won't ever play hide the sausage with? As a smart, beautiful and funny chick, I swear you'll be snapped up in no time flat, Pixie. And on that note, let your best friend follow his heart, even if that's to Sydney and far from where you are. Because not having him around all the time might just be the shake-up you need to turn him from an idealised notion of Mr Right into what he is really - just a great pal.

Love, reality chick

No honeymoon... should I step in?

Heeeelp! I've singlehandedly planned my wedding but agreed to leave the honeymoon arrangements to my hubby to be. Trouble is, it's two months to go until D day and while we've settled on the destination (Thailand) he hasn't even booked the flights or the hotels. Should I step in, or will that be sending him a message that I don't trust him? Not-a-Bridezilla

It’s often the case that in some couples one person is the cruiser, and the other the organiser. It seems like you gave up control to the cruiser and now you want it back. Fair enough. Your honeymoon should be as perfect as you can make it – whether your idea of perfection is an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora or a tent in Nepal. What I’m getting at is – hell yes – step in. Suggest looking at hotels together online and book on the spot with him at the terminal; send him an email with a hot airline deal that expires in days. Yeah, it sucks that you have to book the caterers and the room with a view - but leave it to the cruiser, and you just might be batting mozzies in a backpacker beach hut.

Love, reality chick