Just can't get no satisfaction

I’ve been single for about 8 months now. I don’t mind being on my own but I do miss sex. My friends are all hooked up so it’s hard to go out and meet people. I’m no prude and I’m happy with no-strings sex right now so I’ll take any suggestions! Getting a bit sick of my many vibrators - ha! Ha! HM

I’m guessing you haven’t joined a dating site yet – otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You’d be besieged by a bevy of blokes who’d happily list ‘no-strings sex’ as the only thing on their profile if they could get away with it. So that’s an option, but be warned: you’ll be sifting through quite a few profiles and enduring many more disastrous, kill-me-now dates before you actually find a guy you want to ride the hobby horse with. Hot, single male acquaintances happy to double as bed-pals are probably less hassle.

If you’re lacking in hot, single male acquaintances, it’s time to find some – maybe at a cool bar where you feel comfortable wearing heels and a come-hither expression. Think Vera Farmiga in that recent dramedy Up in the Air. (Just don’t expect to meet George Clooney.)
For nights in? Soft porn and erotic literature can get the party started (think Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden or Men in Love; Delta of Venus by Anais Nin; Lady Chatterly’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence or India Knight’s The Dirty Bits for Girls). And as a girl who values her vibrators, it might be time to invest in a few new models if the old ones aren't even boring the pants off you.
Love, reality chick

How to get more sex from my girl?

Reality chick, how can I get my girlfriend to want more sex? We had loads in the beginning and now we do it once a fortnight, if that. We’ve been together five years and I’ve tried everything to get her in the mood, nothing works, she’s always too tired, too busy, too whatever. But when I get mad and remind her how long it’s been she pulls away and makes me wait even longer til the next time. Jim

It’s a common problem – believe it or not, on both sides, if the women I’ve talked to over the years are anything to go by. But I can tell you one thing, Jim: no one, and I mean no one, whose libido is lower than their partner’s is going to react to a reminder of how long it’s been by saying, ‘Oh you big stud muffin. I just get all hot for it when you keep score on our lovemaking sessions. Stop caressing that calculator of yours and let’s get naked.”

Tempting as it may be to criticise, complain and make negative comments when you’re left high and dry, it probably makes you look about as sexy to your partner as a door-knob. Sure, they may give in and dole out some pity sex – but that’s just sad, really, when you want a partner who’s up for a damn good seeing-to as much as you’re up to giving her one.
It’s hard talking to your partner about sex. Awkward. Icky. Much better if sex just happens and it’s all good and you never have to mention it at all. But it sounds like you guys might be overdue for a chat, and be careful how you approach it. Sit her down, tell her that you love her and want your relationship to be as good as it can be, including your sex life. Tell her you genuinely want to hear her out – what she wants, what she likes, how often she likes it, so you can work out some kind of compromise you’re both happy with. Encourage her to be completely honest with you – no judgements, no defensiveness. If you find that creeping in on either side, suggest seeing a sex counsellor, who’ll be able to guide you guys in an honest discussion and hopefully, to a middle ground you’re both happy with. Good luck and good lovin’, buddy.
Love, reality chick

 

OK to date my shaggable co-worker?

I got drunk recently with workmates and ended up shagging a colleague I’ve fancied for ages. We’ve started dating, but I think our company has policies about inter-office relationships – and while I like this guy, I really don’t want to lose my job, either. Any ideas? Liz

Well, a whopping 80 percent of people believe it's acceptable to date a workmate, according to a recent survey - and 57 percent of women met their spouse/current partner at the office, so you're in good company. Some companies are cool with employee relationships - if you disclose it – so check the fine print before you figure out what to do and who to tell. In the meantime, maybe avoid smooching by the photocopier.

Love, reality chick



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Your 2010 Valentine's messages...

Happy Valentine's Day gang! Does someone love you? Mosey on down the page below to find out. I'll be putting up more messages during the day - so if you've forgotten the flowers and are searching aimlessly for a way to get yourself out of the doghouse, why not click on that V Day button? Bad poetry, gooey heart-pourings, saucy pet names, grovelling apologies etc all welcome here. In fact, it's just like dipping yourself in a big vat of Awww.

Love, reality chick

Big love to my panda! Baa Lamb XXX

ELAD, HAVING YOUR BABY. WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY OF SAYING HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. DH. X

To my darling Benny,
Happy 19th Valentines Day together. Still feel the same about you as I did all those years ago.
All my love,
Claire x

Scott, Things changed when i met you, you made me the happiest person! I honestly didnt think this relationship would last this long but i tell you what im glad it has. You understand me you know how to make me laugh when im upset. i love wakeing up to you every morning and being able to give you that last kiss and cuddle of a night time. Im in love with you scott!! (L)

Happy Valentines Day Butt Head!! Love you.xxx

Lala, I wish I was with you this Valentine's Day. I know I'm a dickhead and I'm sorry. Please forgive me... B xxxxxxxxx

Roses are red, wombats are brown
You make my lovestruck heart spin round
My love for you grows ever higher
Happy Valentine's Day, Liger

When your heart is black and broken and you need a helping hand. When you're so much in love you don't know just how much you can stand. It's our wedding song and it still resonates with me all these years later. Happy Valentine's Day. U know who you are.
xxxx

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I will never forget
the time I spend with u!
Luv ya and Happy V-Day JQ!!

Love you Banksie. Happy Val's Day and here's to a top year for all 3 (and hopefully 4) of us, love from your favourite worst writer ever XXX

To my most handsome darling,
You are my most special man
And so handy with a frying pan
I love it when you're witty
And you tell me I'm pretty
And I am your number one fan!!
A daddy most gorgeous you are
You are also Geli's shining star
We are two lucky girls
The most blessed in the world
And thank you for donating your car!
Love your little one xoxoxo

To my darling fiance (stingray)
Thank you so much for just being who you are, for loving me the way you do and for being such a wonderfully equal, committed partner. I am so very happy and love sharing every day with you. I can't wait for us to be married - I know we are going to have so much fun.
Love you with all my heart, and then some
Smurfette xx

Let's fly away, let's fly away, how about Turkey you big turkey?? Love you, guess who! XX

To my lovely lion, I'm sending you lots of hugs and smooches on this special day. Thanks for being such a wonderful husband and dadda to our little girl. Love from your little Pixie X

Baa-Lambada, you’re the one
Roses are red and cocktails are fun
So many things about you are funky
Even when you’re drunk and dance like a monkey
We both love weird stuffed toys and sushi
Spending weekends in our coo-chie
Lucky for you, you’ve got me for lifey
I can’t wait to be your wifey
I’m making up words now, don't you know it
It's a bummer that I'm not a better poet
But Babar I promise I mean what I say
I love your silly face more every day!
FROM YOUR PANDA X

It's our first Valentine's day... yay! Happy Valentine's Day to my beautiful wife, I am so happy with you. You have made me believe that dream really do come true. I love you my wee hairy coo! MMx

To my big strong daddy, you are my favourite boy. I love swimming and cooking with you and I want to go fishing and surfing soon! Lots and lots of kisses, Maya xxxxx

Happy Valentine's Day Captain Poopypants! Love your Bailey Boo XXXXXXXXXX

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr. Seuss said it, but that's how I feel about us. Is Dr Seuss more Valentiney than that Armaggedon song? I hope so. Happy V Day honey. Loads of love, Mini Mouse X

For Vanda - your everything to me, someone I can count on, someone that I love, someone very special, Happy Valentines Day Darling.

Happy Valentine's Day Gem...I would walk a mile for a smile, swim an ocean to hear you laugh and crawl over broken glass for that thing you do with your tongue hah hah, your hubba Ooxoxoxoxox

Hello Baby just a message to say i love you more and more each day. the past six months have been the best ever and my love for you grows more and more. this is a message to show you how much i adore you. i love you boo. x x x x x x x x x x laters. x x x x

boobear, will you be my valentine? love you oodles xxxxxx

Last minute Valentine's gifts?

I know I’ve left Valentine’s Day til the last minute, so HELP – I really need some cool present ideas for my girlfriend! I don’t have heaps to spend so I can’t really go the red roses route, but maybe other flowers? Food? Or cute gifts that don’t cost the earth? I’m Sydney-based, if that’s any help. Matt

Hey Matt. There's still plenty of time, so don't panic. If you want to get her some flowers, how about a big bunch of sunflowers instead of roses – way cheaper and just as gorgeous, in my opinion. In lieu of chocolates, you could head to my all-time favourite Sydney cupcake shop, Cupcakes on Pitt, they make special cupcakes just for Valentine’s Day and I think they put them in a cute gift box. (Get a few, they are seriously moreish). For something tangible she can keep, check out the Valentine’s gifts at Hart and Heim – they’re online, but also have a store at Westfield Bondi Junction so you might need to schlep over there to have something in time for Sunday. The best ever V Day pressie they have in my opinion, which will make her think of you every time she has a cuppa, would be a Human Touch mug – the collection feature stick figures and kisses in a whole range of different designs (around $16 per mug). Good luck and good lovin’!
Love, reality chick

How can I start fancying my boyfriend?

Hi reality chick, hope you can help me. I’m 30 and have been dating a guy for about five months. My friends insisted on setting us up and I was OK about it because he’s a nice guy. He’s good to me, has a responsible job, is great to my family etc. He’s different to the kinds of guys I have dated before. Everyone loves him. They keep telling me that. They’ve even hinted that we’re so great together we may well get married down the track, which freaks me right out. My friends say I should like him because he’s the perfect guy for me. But I just don’t like him the way I should. The other thing is I have avoided having sex with him for the past three months. I feel bad about this but I’ve lied about a medical problem so we don’t have to. He’s been very sweet about it which just makes it far worse. What can I do about this? JB

What can you do about this? You can get the hell out, that’s what you can do about this. Turn down the dial on everyone else’s unsolicited opinions for a moment. You’re not dreaming about marriage. You don’t think this dude is the perfect guy for you. And you’ve FAKED A MEDICAL PROBLEM to put the brakes on your sex life. Oh boy. Who does that? I mean, who?

The short answer, is, of course, people who ignore their intuition – and end up taking frankly drastic measures to maintain a certain peace of mind. I reckon if you stop, take a minute and listen – ignore the birds tweeting outside, the TV blaring, your boyfriend being all sweet about your fake medical problem – your gut will start screaming like a caged tiger. Something along the lines of get me out of here, like right this minute.
It’s OK, and totally normal in fact, to not fancy someone. It doesn’t matter if he makes your previous boyfriends look like pond scum. The fact that he makes your previous boyfriends look like pond scum is NOT a reason to stay with him, regardless of what your pushy friends might think. Let them date him, if they think he’s so perfect. Oh, and if they try to set you up in the future, tell them you’re really busy washing your hair. Or something.
Love, reality chick

My ex got engaged and I'm mad

I’m over my ex. REALLY over him. We broke up a year ago, on Valentine’s Day (he always had crappy timing) and he just rang me to announce that he’s getting married. We never even came close to it – in fact we fought about when he might actually be ready to do it – and now he’s getting hitched to some chick he’s known six months. We were together for 4 years, and I just can’t stop obsessing about this. Help! Abby

Ouch. Few things bite more than a non-committal ex who gets engaged before the dust has barely settled on his last break-up. Unless of course, it’s a newly-engaged ex who can’t wait to get on the phone to ruin your day with his big news (don’t you just hate people who gloat).
You only have to look at Hollywood’s dating track record to see that rebound marriages have about a snowball’s chance in hell of working out, but many guys do this. It’s like they’re playing a big game of marital musical chairs, and when the music stops, they finally stop faffing about and settle down, even if it's with someone they barely know. Some would call it timing. Some would say the one before ‘The One’ wasn’t the right one in the first place. But no theories change the fact that women who put in the hard yards to turn a dude who’s rough around the edges into decent husband material are often left behind while the next girl reaps the benefits.

I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to let go of this one, Abby. Look on the bright side: somewhere out there, is a guy other women have tirelessly trained up into decent boyfriend material. Chances are they now think he’s a total bastard - but he could just be your Mr Right, because in the dating realm that’s just how the cookie crumbles.
Love, reality chick

Living with my ex is killing me!

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a week ago. Only problem is, we still share a two-bedroom flat. I’m desperately trying to get a new rental or a room, and so is he, but we may have to wait another few weeks. Meanwhile, we’re in separate beds, it's super awkward and I am so miserable. Should I just move out and pay for somewhere temporary? Jenny

Breaking up, but not moving out, is one of those unfortunate situations, especially in today’s hellish rental market. Now that you and your boy are kaput the niceties of co-habiting are no more. Forget stumbling to the loo in your knickers, sharing a risotto for two or spooning in the marital bed. You’re probably both afraid to make eye contact, crying hysterically and working back late to avoid sitting on the longue watching TV in stony silence.

Or, maybe you’re both coping by drinking with mates night after night – which is just cruel. Neither of you now have the right to enquire: ‘..and where have you been all night?’ and your mind will inevitably conjure up the worst case scenario – a sexy size eight blonde offering up her breasts for tequila body shooters perhaps.
My advice? Pack up and move out asap. Like today. The mental anguish of polite, love-less living with your former partner is a form of torture no person should have to endure. Yes, the GFC hit hard, but this is no time for saving pennies. Get a bag, fill it with essentials and walk out that door.
If you've got nowhere to go, doss on a friends couch (which can’t be more uncomfortable than your current living arrangements), stay in a cheap motel or get a serviced apartment for a week or two. Ask a family member for a loan if you’re low on funds. You won’t regret it later, I promise. And if your work schedule is making it hard to find a new place, explain your predicament to your boss and ask for a couple of days' compassionate leave to pound the pavement and talk to agents - you'll be surprised how much support you’ll get for being upfront. You may have lost your lover, but there’s a funky one-bedroom flat with your name on it out there. Go find it!
Love, reality chick

They cheated, should I rock the boat?

My boyfriend and I socialise a lot with my best friend and her husband, and recently we went away with them on their boat for the weekend. At one point when they were alone, my boyfriend and best friend hooked up – I only know this because my boyfriend came clean about it once we got home (although he’s fairly vague about the details) and says he confessed because he was sorry. He feels it was a ‘blip’ in our otherwise great social life and that I should put it behind us so we can continue to see them. She hasn’t said a word to me about it. Not sure I’m up to double dating anymore, but is it worth risking my relationship and best friend over? Amber

Hell yeah. After all, their little love boat lust-fest has just blown your relationship clean out of the water, don’t you think? OK, your boyfriend confessed, but it sounds suspiciously conditional – a confession that he used, ultimately, to manipulate you into brushing the whole mess under the carpet so his happy social life could continue with nary a hiccup. That’s not much to ask, or anything. As for your friend – and I use the term loosely – it’s time to pick up the phone to announce that you’re privy to her rat-fink behaviour. Let her know you’ll be filling her husband in on the finer details of your weekend away; after all, it’s only fair. Whether you decide to work on things with your boyfriend is your choice, but if you do I’d definitely throw a few conditions in his court – like couples counselling, and the fact that you’ll be finding a whole new social set to hang out with. Let me know how it all pans out, and good luck.
Love, reality chick

I've got a toy boy, now I want a baby

I'm 36 and have been dating a mature 28-yo guy for two years. I'd love to have a baby, but I know he's not keen (yet). Am I mad to wait until he's ready? I coo over every baby I see and have visions of flushing the odd birth control pill down the loo, just to hurry things along. Andy, Coogee, NSW

Yup, waiting for a guy to get that paternal feeling can be downright torturous - after all, timing's everything in relationships. But tempting as it is to can your contraception, I'd sound him out instead. Does he see a future for you guys? Preferably a future in which he'd happily strap on a Baby Bjorn if necessary? And if so, when? Daunting questions, I know, but you're 36 and after two years, you've got a right to some honest answers. If his best is an indefinite time frame, cut your losses and run. After all, parenthood is sure to be sweeter with a guy who hasn't been duped into becoming a dad.
Love, reality chick