Box office sensation Robert Pattinson stars in this adaptation of the classic French novel Bel Ami by Guy de Maupassant, a story full of sexual intrigue, scandal and manipulation. Set in Paris in the 1880s, the tale revolves around charismatic former soldier George Duroy (Pattinson), known to his friends as ‘Bel Ami’, who’s offered a job as a journalist on the newspaper La Vie Francaise and soon makes a great success of his new career. But he also comes face to face with the realities of the corrupt Parisian high society to which he aspires: the sleazy colleagues, the wily financiers, and manipulative mistresses (Uma Thurman, Christina Ricci, Kristin Scott Thomas). We won’t spoil it for you, but let’s just say that there’s a fair bit of bed hopping. The film’s out on May 24 and thanks to Hopscotch, we’ve got ten double passes to give away!

How to enter To go into the draw for a double pass, answer this question in the comments: Toy boy. Yes? No? Maybe? Discuss.

Terms and conditions We’ll be drawing the winners of the double passes on Thursday, May 24. Don’t forget to subscribe to the RC Scoop for the latest on all our comps, Q&As, polls and more!

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I’ve been seeing a sweet, generous, all round good man for several years. Living together for the past year. While I love him, I have never felt he is my soul mate or felt a strong connection to him like that. When we first got together I never thought things would develop so far and I wasn’t sure if he was the one for me (still not sure!), but life rolls along like it does and convenience and companionship has led us to where we are now – living together, and pretty happily at that. While he is a wonderful companion I find myself longing for a greater connection, and I am not even sure why. He’s very kind and considerate but also reasonably quiet and does not fulfil the desire I have on some level for intellectual stimulation. On the other hand, he is a very good man, we get on well and we want the same things out of life – like buying a house and having kids (which is why I am writing, we have started to discuss these things and I am wondering whether I should go any further when I have doubts about the relationship).  I know he loves me unconditionally and part of me feels I would be silly to throw this away and I am expecting far too much, then another part of me feels that something is missing and there is someone else out there for me. Is this normal? Can you offer any advice?

Whoa. Having read your letter, I can see why you’re signing off as confused. Talk about a quandary. I’ll boil your letter down in a simple formula: Lovely bloke + no spark + restlessness = unhappy. First up – let’s talk about that fizzy, squeeee! feeling you get with someone that makes you feel connected and drawn to them. That lights your fire, baby. It’s glorious and should be bottled and sold. It’s that (plus an intellectual and physical attraction and compatibility) that makes us want to fly to Venice, hop onto a gondola and be serenaded while doves fly overhead and our beloved tickles our neck. I think any relationship that doesn’t have that feeling – or at least used to have it – is on shaky ground. It’s missing in yours, and that’s a big concern.
I can see how you might have let things develop towards a live-in relationship – he sounds a total sweetie. But just wanting the same things in life and being good housemates doesn’t qualify you for life partner status, nor does it make you the ideal partnership for parenting. I say this mainly due to the series of doubts you have for your relationship and its future right now. Reach down – feel your feet – they’re ice cold, aren’t they? Well now, imagine you’re tending to a grubby toddler and perhaps a needy infant. If your luke-warm relationship develops any further you are going to have far more trouble extricating yourself from this lovely, but Not Quite Right For You man. he’ll be your baby daddy and there will be kids involved. And those suckers are for keeps.
My hard, honest advice? Listen to your doubts. They are screaming at you. Have that awkward, heart-wrenching conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him everything that’s in your heart. Tell him you’re not sure. That something is missing for you. Tell him how you feel before you find yourself tethered to a 4WD and a house in the suburbs with a man that doesn’t make your heart sing and never has.
Love, reality chick

Got a question for RC or the Manswers team? Drop a line in
the RC Question Box! (Questions may be edited.)

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I’ve been dating this guy for over 9 months now. We live an hour away and see each other on the weekends and sometimes during the week. The issue is, he’s not romantic at all. I come from an affectionate family of huggers, and I’ve met his family and they are not the hugging type. I constantly tell him that I need affection and romance. I even broke up with him for about two weeks over this, and he had said he wanted to be romantic towards me, but has not come through. He says he’s trying but I don’t see it. He couldn’t even pick an appropriate Mother’s Day card, and as my birthday approaches I’m worried that he either sucks at gift giving or doesn’t care, and that will be a catalyst for me to go crazy. I’ve talked with him about it over and over again about my need for him to be romantic. Is there anything more I can do to bring it out in him? I’m frustrated, I care about him, but I’m hurting myself over not getting my needs met.

Can people change? I like to think so, yes – if they really want to. Can people who aren’t romantic by nature change? Maybe, but I think it’s a tall order, given my dating history with men like yours. One ex in particular was the poster boy for being unromantic and unaffectionate. Presents were always appliances, and he reminded me on special occasions that he ‘didn’t do’ cards. He also didn’t do flowers, believing they were a waste of money because they, you know, were already DEAD. Ah, those were fun times. Not.
That said, I’m realistic about the fact that we don’t get everything we need in a relationship. It’s dangerous to assume any one person out there can and will meet all our needs all the time. But figuring out which of our needs are non-negotiable is crucial. From your letter, it’s clear that affection and romance are yours. Like they are for most people. Romance you can live without, I reckon – even though it sucks. But it’s damn lonely living without affection and as you fear, can well be the catalyst for driving a person slowly nuts.
What should you do? To me, it’s simple. I reckon you can talk until you’re blue in the face, but if it hasn’t had an effect – and hey, you guys BROKE UP over the issue once – then it probably ain’t gonna change. You could try backing off completely and seeing if he surprises you by becoming more affectionate or romantic (if he does, acting super-pleased and happy could help reinforce the habit). Ultimately though, you may need to figure out if you can weigh up this guy’s positive points, accept that he may never have it in him to give you the affection and romance you crave, and decide if you can get your head around it. There’s no shame in admitting you can’t. Some people, much as we like or love them, just aren’t a good fit for us and moving on will be easier now than after years spent hoping he might change into the guy you wish he was.
Love, reality chick

Got a question for RC or the Manswers team? Drop a line in
the RC Question Box! (Questions may be edited.)

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I’ve been seeing a guy that I met online. We had a fight over sex; he said that waiting was dumb and he never moves that slow. I haven’t dated in over a year, and I feel like I messed up by sleeping with him too early. Now he just wants me to come over and sleep over which makes me feel like dial-a-ho or something! I asked if we could do something non-sexual and I got rejected – but he said he wanted a relationship from the start. Also, he told me I don’t open up enough (here I was thinking men were supposed to like mystery; I didn’t want to tell him my whole life story as we’ve only known each other weeks). He gets angry that he can’t figure me out, yet I can’t read this guy either. He also told me he only works 9-5 but then had to work on the weekend – and he’s sometimes rude and texts other people in front of me. What do I do? How do I fix this? 

The question, STE, is not how you fix this, but whether you want to. Just from reading your letter I’m feeling stressed – so I can only guess how messed up you must be feeling. Let’s look at the mixed messages first. He said he wanted a relationship – but that’s a line some dudes, I’m sorry to say, may trot out as a way to get women into bed. I could be wrong, but if he really wanted a relationship, he wouldn’t be putting you in the booty call box and refusing your requests to do things that don’t involve getting naked and horizontal.
I’m also not loving the sound of the fight you describe when he said that waiting to have sex in the first place was ‘dumb’ and that he never ‘moves that slow’. Well, bully for him. Some people DO move that slow. Some people like to take their time getting to know a person before they play hide the sausage. You may be one of those people, and that’s A-OK. You don’t have to go by someone else’s sexual timetable, and you’d hope that any guy you dated was respectful of yours.
As for all the other stuff – working on the weekend, texting in front of you – well, they’re annoying, but not dealbreakers. It’s more about the fact that you guys seem to now be locked in a dynamic that’s about sex, sex and only sex. If that’s not what you want, your solution is simple: make a last-ditch effort to talk to him. Really talk. Sit him down, be open, tell him what you want and see if you guys can work towards a relationship that’s satisfying for both of you. Or, move on and find a guy who does want what you want.
Love, reality chick

Got a love, sex or dating question for RC or the Manswers team? Drop a line in
the RC Question Box! (Questions may be edited.)

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RC was a guest of The Old Shanghai Massage House, located at 24 Oxford St Woollahra. Massages start at $30 for basic head and neck, and up to $130 for a two-hour, whole body and extended reflexology session. Until the end of July, receive a 20% discount off massages by mentioning ‘reality chick’ when you book. Gift vouchers are also available, and it’s a great gift for Mother’s Day!

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My boyfriend and I had a discussion about having children and he was adamant he didn’t want any. So we broke up again … and we have been apart for 18 months now and I have been struggling with my emotions ever since as he’s been in my life for many years as a friend (first) and a partner. I think I still love him but I am just starting to feel strong and independent again. Then I got an email from him last night saying that he misses talking to me and indicating that he would like to reconnect and resume a friendship. I know I would be putting myself at risk of being hurt again as I’m not sure I can be friends with him without feeling more than that (I haven’t replied yet). But, I’m also thinking that I’m now reaching an age where I will probably not have kids anyway (I’m turning 39, and not sure I want them now). So, this leaves me thinking … maybe it could work for us as we get older? I think I already know what’s right – but I’m interested to hear yours and others opinions on this. Can we ‘just be friends’ now? 

First up – no. In my opinion you can’t be ‘just friends’ with this guy. There’s a strong attraction, neither one of you has re-partnered and there’s a lot of pining going down. It all adds up to a recipe for accidental ex sex if you do meet up. If you can’t stay away and decide to email him back, knock your socks off, but be aware that you’ll probably find yourself right back where you were 18 months ago. And possibly facing the same stuff, questions and doubts.
But – on the other hand, if you want to give yourself a shot at a new connection and even motherhood, then DON’T DO IT. You’re not too old to have a baby. And you’re not too old to find someone who wants to have one with you. I know brilliant couples who’ve met and had kids in their late 30s. Also – that strong and independent vibe you’re rocking right now is SO HARD to get back to and it can be whisked away in an instant. You might find a settled happier place with your ex as you reach your 40s, but you could also risk another heartbreak and, let’s be honest you might be left with a feeling of having settled for someone who doesn’t want the same things as you, just because you’re getting older. You already know what’s right – so go with your gut and delete his message. Keep moving on and being awesome. You are at your most attractive and powerful right now.
Love, reality chick

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We’re always asked how one goes about meeting someone to love. Online dating is big bikkies, but it’s not for everyone. Recently at The Hoopla, we wrote about whether friends and family should be more proactive in hooking up their single loved ones, and we chatted to Emma Thorndyke from Dating Safaris for the story. She’s established a cool, no-pressure way for singles to meet, and we love the idea. Like to know more? Here’s the rest of our interview with Emma.

RC: What are your thoughts on online dating? Why are some of us just not into it?
Emma: I think online dating is a great idea as a way to get out on dates and learn about different people.  The problem with it is that the one-on-one date situation creates expectation, and the top five qualities we look for in people – like the way they laugh, or smell – we don’t experience from a written profile. That’s why dates from online sites are more likely to be unsuccessful.

RC: You own urban speed dating company, Dating Safaris. Have you always been a matchmaker?
Emma: I’ve always worked for speed dating companies as I love seeing people enjoying themselves and relationships start to blossom. But seeing how uncomfortable it can be to sit alone with someone you don’t like or someone with terrible communication skills for seven minutes at a time – or hearing friends complaining about never meeting decent guys – I thought there must be a better way for people to meet each other, without the awkward silences or stigma about organised events.

RC: How does your typical Dating Safari pan out?
Emma: There are no hosts on the night [as in speed dating]. Singles team up with two of their best buddies to create a team. Gals are based at one of four watering holes (small bars) for the evening and they are visited by a different team of three guys every half hour. Guys team up with two wing men and explore four different bars in a given area by following a map and an itinerary. At the end of the night all 18 people on safari meet up at a local watering hole to reconnect and carry on the night together.

RC: Sounds like great fun…
Emma: It was important to me that it was organised around groups of friends – it means the quality of guys is better as they 1) had two mates in the first place and 2), could not lie or pretend to be someone other than they are, as their friends are there to question any porky pies! It’s the perfect way to date as it is like a normal night out with your friends but you get to meet new people along the way. Having your friends along means there are no uncomfortable silences – or expectations! More importantly, even if you don’t meet the man (or woman) of your dreams, you’ll have a great night out, meet plenty of new friends and possibly visit bars you may never have been to before, too.

~ Dating Safaris operates in Sydney, Melbourne and London for people aged 23-33. It costs $25 to go on a Safari. For more info, visit datingsafaris.com

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This competition is now closed, but… we’ll have another coming up soon. If you’re stuck for Mother’s Day gift ideas, visit www.flowersforeveryone.com.au; you can shop online – and they deliver Australia-wide. We’ve also just published a new chick pick review of The Old Shanghai Massage House, which is offering reality chick readers 20 percent off until the end of July (awesome gift for mum, and they do vouchers). And, you can also check out our Pinterest gift guide, which is packed with great ideas too. Don’t forget to subscribe to the RC Scoop to be first in line to hear about all our competitions, Q&As, polls and more!

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Days Like These

It was a tragic day when Sydney dad-of-two Kristian Anderson lost his battle with cancer on January 2 of this year. I was a little closer to it than most – as one of my family members is a very good friend of Kristian’s wife, Rachel. I’d met Rachel before, and Kristian, a few years ago. They were a lovely couple, and great parents to their two young kids, Cody (now 5) and Jakob (now 3). 
Like so many, I followed Kristian’s harrowing journey through his blog, Days Like These. Some time ago, we posted the YouTube video Kristian made for his wife on her 35th birthday – a video that offered a peek into the couple’s love story. It quickly went viral, capturing the world’s attention (not to mention Oprah’s). Before long, his blog was flooded by hits; more than a quarter of a million people from all over the world visited it. We were all rooting for his recovery. In the week before he died, Kristian’s blog received over 450,000 hits.
His words have now been made into a book, with the help of his wife, who dips in and out with insights and recollections of her own. She doesn’t mince words, and she writes from the heart about Kristian’s diagnosis and the years he was sick, on being his carer, on the rollercoaster her birthday video sent them on as a couple and as a family – and how she felt about losing the guy who was the love of her life. Unlike the blog, this book chronicles both Rachel and Kristian’s journey – one neither ever dreamed they’d take when they tied the knot in 2003. It’s a heartbreaking read but also funny, inspiring and strangely life-affirming. Ultimately, Days Like These is a beautiful legacy that Kristian’s left behind for his wife and his two young sons. It’s a book that really reinforces the message of what’s important in life – it’s not money, or our job, or the stuff that surrounds us. It’s who we love: our family, our friends, our kids. 
Rachel Smith

~ For every copy of the book sold, Harpercollins will make a donation to Bear Cottage, a hospice that helps families care for a child with a life limiting illness. You can buy Days Like These here.

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I’ve been seeing this lad for over a year, and we live together. The problem is, I keep catching him speaking and pestering girls on the internet. We tried de-activating Facebook so he wouldn’t do it, but he joined another social website and messaged so many girls saying rude things to them. (The girls weren’t replying). I pretended I didn’t see it because it has happened about four times now and each time it hurts me so bad. The thing is, he’s such a quiet reserved lad that he won’t speak to girls to their face … just online. When I ask why he does it, he breaks down and doesn’t know why. Is this an attention-seeking thing? Something to do with low self-esteem? Or am I wasting my time with him? I love the guy to bits but can’t see there being any trust or future between us if he can’t actually change this behaviour. What do the Manswers think?

Eeek. This is the first time we’ve ever been asked this question. Your guy sounds like he’s in the grip of a serious and very anti-social compulsion. It’s icky, and awful for you, and definitely not something that you should pretend you don’t see just to avoid rocking the boat. I get that you love him, but there’s no future if he can’t sort out his issues. You’ve tried fixing the behaviour together, but it didn’t work (just as an aside, I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall for your ‘I’m de-activating your Facebook account, you creepy weirdo!’ conversation). Next step? Well, you could get a professional involved, and make it non-negotiable, but here’s the thing: do you really want to be dealing with this kind of thing – which could be bigger than you even know about – when you’ve only been dating someone a year? I’d do some serious soul-searching about that.
Love, reality chick

T-Bone says…“Rude things? Like ‘I’d like to see your bot-bot’ or ‘That dress has the dimensions of a Ringling Bros big top’? Funnier if the latter. Look, Heartbreak Girl, the bloke’s a Porn-Again Net Nerd and you are wasting your time with him. This sort of worrying behaviour isn’t going to change and he clearly has deep-seated issues with women. Unplug him, once and for all.”

BB says… “The fact that he is like this online suggests there are two sides to your man: shy and reserved in person, smutty and creepy behind his computer screen. You’ve talked about it, you’ve taken steps to stop it but it keeps on happening. Move on sister, you deserve better.” 

Dr Phil says… “This is stalker-like behaviour. What kind of rude things is he saying? Are they snubs about the girls’ appearances or sexual in nature – or both? Without wanting to create excuses for this inexcusable behavior, it may be that he has had trouble with women (such as his mother!) in the past and is exacting some sort of revenge. Or maybe he has always been shy like you say and can’t communicate with women, creating frustration and anger directed at them. The problem with this sort of behavior is that it is addictive and, unchecked, will probably grow worse over time. Plus, without getting paranoid, you’ve got to wonder if it’s the tip of an iceberg. You need to get to the root cause which involves him opening up about a taboo (difficult), and then curbing his addiction to the behaviour (extremely difficult in any context).” 

Got a question for RC or the Manswers team? Drop a line in
the RC Question Box! (Questions may be edited.)

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