I’m a 31-year-old single mum who’s been single for four years after leaving my abusive partner. I feel ready to date again but I’m so scared. My ex hurt me pretty bad physically and emotionally and I’m terrified that it’s going to happen again. My children are my world and I can’t bring anyone into our little family who is going to hurt us. I’m a full time mum and so I don’t really meet any single men. I’m also not after a fling, I want the real thing, I want it to last. I want to be in love. To love someone and have them love me. How do I find that special one? How do I know to trust them? Anon

Of course you feel scared and vulnerable. Anyone who’s survived emotional and physical abuse would find it hard to let down their guard and trust a new love, especially with kids involved. Being a full time Mum does make it hard to meet fellahs (not too many at playgroup, are there?) And it sounds like you’re really looking for a deep love that’s serious and long lasting. And why not? You deserve it! The good news is, you’ve taken time to heal and you’ve got your priorities straight – family first is a great motto. But don’t forget you need nurturing and tenderness as well as your kids. So – how to meet a great guy? I reckon you might find it helpful to check out a dating website (something like RSVP or E-harmony) where you can take your time looking at profiles and finding someone who matches up with your lifestyle. Take it slow on the dating scene and go with your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t be shy to cut and run early. It’s a tough business falling in love in your 30s, after a bit of baggage has been handled. It takes a bit of luck and courage. Keith Urban asked Nicole Kidman in their early days of dating how her heart was, and she replied, ‘Open.’ That’s a good place to start when you’ve been hurt before. Open your heart and trust will also come slowly, and with the right person.
You could also check out Dina L. McMillan’s book, But He Says He Loves Me. It offers some interesting insights about how to avoid manipulative or abusive partners. McMillan says some signs to look out for with the guy you may be dating or thinking about dating include a display of excessive control or negativity (especially about women, past partners, his mother). Similarly, be wary of a date who gets mad very quickly or makes harsh snap judgements about others, or those who want to move very fast and ‘lock’ you into a relationship after a few dates. Those who try to bond very quickly with or make a strong impact on your children, instead of letting you set the pace, should also sound alarm bells. 
Ultimately, though, remember that just because you made a bad choice with your last partner doesn’t mean you’ll make the same mistake again. There are plenty of fantastic, trustworthy guys out there who don’t hit or abuse women – but rather treat them with love, kindness and respect. Wishing you the best of luck finding the right guy.
Love, reality chick

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