I love him, but I’m not ‘in love’ with him. Am I being silly and spoiled?
Feb 13th, 2012 | By reality chick | Category: Featured, IWL, Relationships
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost two years. He really is a great guy – sweet, thoughtful, kind, funny, agreeable – and we get on well and never fight. We live together and generally it’s great. Only thing is, for some reason I long for something more. While I love him, I am not ‘in love’ with him and never have been. This is the first serious relationship I have ever had so I am not quite sure what to expect? Maybe I am expecting too much? I am 30 so naturally conversations are turning to marriage and that kind of thing, but as much as I love to spend time with him I am secretly just not sure whether he is ‘the one’ for me. It doesn’t help that we have quite different backgrounds – I work as a doctor while he has an unskilled job. I know my parents (quietly) are not overjoyed with the fact that he comes from a humble background, which is very different from my own. I know it sounds terrible, and I wish this didn’t affect my feelings, but it does. I am feeling so lost with what to do – I don’t want to end it with him, as he makes me happy, but can’t help but feel there is someone else out there better suited for me? Am I being silly and spoiled? Any advice appreciated. Spoiled
After all the sad, lonely letters we get from women who’d kill to meet a wonderful, sweet, thoughtful, kind, funny and agreeable guy, yours just makes me sigh. We’ve said it before, but let me say it again: love is hard to find. Good partners who make you happy are hard to find.
You’re clearly not that into him, but I suspect that’s not because he’s not awesome. It’s because you’re a bit of a snob. As are your parents, and you really care what they think – whether you admit it or not.
Your first serious relationship does warrant some soul-searching, sure – but if you were really rapt in this guy, you wouldn’t give a crap about his ‘humble’ background or menial job. None of that matters, in the grand scheme of things. You could be married to a carpenter with a beautiful soul who made you dinner every night and asked about your day and listened to you and loved you unconditionally. Or you could be married to a rich, philandering surgeon or lawyer or accountant who was never home and didn’t care about your hopes and dreams, but looked good on paper and on your arm at social events. Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s not about people and where they come from and what they do that’s important. It’s about who they are inside. Their values. How they make you feel.
Also, when we’re inexperienced, it can be so easy to fall into the fairytale trap of thinking that true love equals a 24/7 mad, crazy passion. Trouble with that is, lust isn’t a predictor of longevity – not by a long shot.
I suspect you’ve already made your mind up about this, and if the guy’s talking marriage, he obviously hasn’t a clue how you really feel. So move out. Give him the chance to find someone who considers him a catch – and go looking yourself. Date more. Get the experience you need. Because it’s just not fair pretending everything’s hunky-dory with your boyfriend of two years when you’re having such serious doubts.
Love, reality chick
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Women marry up; men marry down… or do they? This has been happening since the institution of marriage was defined as such. Feminism questioned that way of thinking, but somehow the old model stuck and still seems to show its ugly face here and there… We tend to be pickier than ever, until we learn the lesson: being picky and snobbish just leads us down a self-deception path.
Spoiled, you have an individual dilemma here. There’s nothing wrong with your partner (at least from your description of him). There’s nothing wrong with having a menial job or with not having graduated at uni. What is plain wrong is to find fault at someone because they aren’t doctors, lawyers or accountants… From the sound of it, you’re inexperienced for your age, and therein lies the challenge. You still seem to be highly influenced by your parents’ way of thinking, and regardless of what you do about your relationship, you need to address that. Mum and dad aren’t always right, and when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner, you can listen to them for sure, but the final decision should be yours, and yours alone. Therein lies the challenge, your challenge. All the best, Lola.
Totally on your side, lady – don’t beat yourself up about the fact that there is something missing for you. You’re not a bad person for wanting to fall in love with your partner. Early passion may mellow into something else, but that first flame can also create a lifetime bond. I recently broke it off with someone I didn’t have strong emotions for, despite his loveliness. I think it’s okay to hold out for someone you feel really strongly about…or at least, that’s what I tell myself!
Can I ask . . . if you didn’t have that “first flame” for this guy, what business did you have moving in with him and staying with him for the last 2 years???? If that’s the case, then you have just been wasting his time and keeping him from finding somebody who could be truly happy with him for who he is (including what he does or doesn’t do for a living). And that’s not silly or spoiled . . .that’s selfish.
I do agree that there has to be some spark that gets two people together, but fireworks don’t last. Sometimes that all consuming, breath-taking, butterflies in the stomach feeling is just drama. And drama isn’t love. It’s just drama. Give me a slow-burning love that keeps me warm over fireworks any time.
I think to be fair to him you should be honest with him and set him free. My guess though is that one day you will look back – after you’ve dated other men who maybe aren’t as sweet and thoughtful – and regret letting go of someone like him. But hey, as long as mum and dad (and you) are happy with the career choice of whoever you end up with, it shouldn’t be an issue right?
‘Give me a slow burning love that keeps me warm over fireworks…’
Hear, hear.
There’s someone out there looking for him – if you don’t want him, throw him back in the pond for the rest of us….
And kick yourself in a few years for not realising what you had.
The nice guys are far outnumbered by the jackasses