Here’s one I can’t find answers for anywhere! What do you do when your husband has a low sex drive? I’d be happy with a once a week compromise, but even that’s too much for him to deal with. This year we’d be lucky to average having sex once a month. I had a bub this year and it was so good for me while I was pregnant, but the during that time we did it maybe three times. Despite me being exhausted with a newborn I was still up for it. Bubba is now 3 1/2 months old and we’ve done it once. The first  six months of the relationship were fantastic, but then it dropped off after a miscarriage. We have a loving and affectionate relationship, just not sexual. He’s never been like this with anyone in the past (we’ve discussed it) and it’s so emotionally painful for me. Jennie 

You know what, Jennie? I can count the number of friends on one hand who have hit the libido jackpot with their partners. More often than not it’s the other way around in bedrooms around the country. One begs, the other pulls away, and the damaging ‘pursuer-distancer’ cycle continues. It seems, from studies I’ve read about and from what I’ve heard anecdotally, that perfectly matched libidos are about as rare as seeing a monkey drive a bus down the M5. Worse, it can be really hard NOT to take the desire mismatch personally.
You say the first six months were fantastic – well, sex should be downright wicked in the honeymoon stage, so that’s a no-brainer. I’m wondering if the sexual drop-off was a natural thing – although, sure, coming out of that bonking-like-bunnies phase only to realise your partner’s a once-a-month guy when you’re a thrice-a-week gal would be a shock to the system. But the fact that it coincided with a miscarriage makes me wonder if that traumatic event you guys went through affected your husband more than you (or even he) realises. Maybe he’s suffering from depression. Maybe, since your baby arrived, he’s having a quiet little new-father freak-out. And maybe the sleepless nights, financial worries and generally overwhelming life change that a baby brings are compounding to kill off his sexual appetite. I mean, he says he’s never been like this with previous partners – but has he ever had a baby with a previous partner? I’m guessing not, so you’re both paddling through some rather choppy uncharted waters here. Get your hands on a copy of No Sex Please, We’re Parents by Melanie and Oliver Roberts for more info on this.
The fact you have a loving and affectionate relationship puts you a step ahead, though – and there are tactics you could try. Firstly, maybe back off and let him sent the pace for now; three months post-baby isn’t very long to worry about not being back in the saddle properly. Secondly, you could get hold of a book about desire discrepancy such as Rosie King’s Good Loving Great Sex and try the partner exercises to reignite things between you. Thirdly, your husband could see someone. Professional advice, maybe from a male counsellor, could be a great circuit breaker, but I’m no dummy: I know many men would rather commit hari kari than seek help about their less-than-perfect sex lives. So if he won’t go, go alone: sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship and seeking help to bridge the desire gap between you before it seriously impacts your marriage is the smartest move you could make for your future happiness. I wish you guys all the best.
Love, reality chick

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